Dear Rich

 So, it has been just over a year now and sometimes I wonder how you would like/dislike the changes I've done around here.

The old busted up eyesore of the garage that we often discussed is gone. I mean. Gone, no trace. And yup I had to spend some $$ to clean things up. I think you would think it looks great. Remember when the insurance company gave you money for the damaged garage? You put it in a savings account for 'later'. Well, it sat in an account getting interest for 14 years. I used a part of that to clean up the garage. 

I now have a nice concrete pad to look at. Beyond that, the forest. So much prettier than a semi demolished building.

Your mom's car became a Demo Derby Car. It was painted shiny black and reinforced. I can only imagine your mom giggling over her car blasting around in a field and the glee she would have had driving it like a maniac. After all, she did that in real life didn't she?

Your skid steer went to a good home. Frank bought it and is super pleased with it. He knows mechanical stuff and I don't. 

Uh oh. I adopted a puppy in March. Her name is Hannah and she is the goofiest Terrier mix I've ever seen. She is sweet, adorable, personable, a pain, and very loving, terribly loyal and not too brave. However, you'd really get a kick out of how she hunts bugs. Tonight she brought a grasshopper into the house and played with it. Gross.

You would love her because she is so unique and weird just like me. It took Charlie from March to September to decide that Hannah was okay to snuggle with at night. I swear, he is still looking for you. I took one of your old insulated flannels to wear for chores yesterday and it smelled like you. When I tossed it on the couch, he instantly claimed it and made a bed out of it.

The one section of forest where you had your old deer stand was forest mulched this spring. It wasn't pricey but it sure improved that area. I made it a campground. You would love it. I often think of you while sitting there and having a campfire at night with Charlie and Hannah. 

I've learned to set up a tent! 

I love camping in the rough. It is a bit different than the nights we spent sleeping in the back of your truck or the camper you had on the truck. But it is like you often said: It is all about the adventure of it. 

Because of you, I am not afraid of the forest/woods day or night. I learned so much from you as your dog handler when farmers would ask us to bring our hounds to their places to hunt raccoon who were destroying their crops. You gave me 'forest' smarts, you gave me knowledge, you showed me the gift of becoming an outdoors person.

You encouraged me always to make my own way and not to fear learning new things. I will always be grateful for that.

It's quiet here. I don't often watch the 'boob' tube, but I am rewatching some of the shows we used to watch together. 

I painted all the old chairs I collected over the years. I know you thought I was nuts for wanting to paint them, but they brighten the inside of our home.

Tom, the UPS driver, stopped in for a chat yesterday and commented on how he missed coming to our house to deliver your meds. We had a good laugh over how you called him 'your drug dealer'. He is doing well. I told him that I was taking a tiny bit of your ashes everywhere I went and IF I found an incredible place that I know you would have loved...I'd spread a bit of you. He thought that was the coolest idea he'd ever heard.

Hey maybe we will get to Hawaii one of these times! 

I'm still crazy over photography, mules, riding, Legos, and hiking. But that wouldn't surprise you at all.

I get down in the dumps once in a while, but that is good. I miss you like crazy and that is good. I have sad moments that hit me like a ton of bricks. And that is good.

But I also feel your presence almost all of the time. 

And that my dear, is excellent.

No one likes this part...

Well, we were are still hanging on together.

This morning I realized that I didn't have a clue what I should do after the funeral home picks him up when he is gone.

We'd talked about what he wanted, we discussed things, but he basically said he didn't care for a big Gig.

Being the Stepmother, I want to get things right. No, it was not planned ahead, he didn't want that. Oddly enough, I'm the planner of most all things. This was in the back of my mind saying "Later, I'll deal with that Later." 

I decided Later Better Be Now.

First things first. I opened up the funeral home's website and started researching information.

The funeral home had very informative website.

I was stumped at the obituary. I mean, what should I even think of writing up?

His could be short and sweet truthfully. His parents are gone, his sister in Utah is alive, and he has a daughter and many grands. Simple right? Meh. 

If someone knows him, they will know all the other important stuff.

Rich's daughter had texted me yesterday evening to come out for the day. I decided to get her in on the 'action' so to speak. 

Maybe I surprised her a bit. We went over some details of what an Obit was and how to write it. Being ME, I decided to follow a suggested outline but not go into the depths that I've seen so many times.

I suggested something quite funny and she laughed a very wonderful and true laugh. I've decided to include that 'funny' in his obit.

I told her what I'd decided as far as burial vs. cremation. I also discussed having a memorial type thing at the funeral home or something like a celebration of life but very informal. I felt like I needed to give those who knew Rich a chance to gather and exchange their favorite stories about him in a comfortable setting.

I wanted her to be involved, after all, she is his daughter. So I gave her a thumb drive with photos I've collected from our time together. I asked her sort through and decided what we could put together for the funeral home. They offer a large screen that would display photos in a video format.

She asked about flowers as her dad was not a flower guy. I laughed and said he'd love two bouquets that the mules could eat. I got a quizzical look. I reminded her that the bouquet at our wedding was just that. Wildflowers with oat, barley, and straw. Fit for an equine dining experience. She laughed, she remembered it because one of the mules tried to eat the bouquet out of her hands.

I asked her if she would speak about her father and she quickly said no. It could be uncomfortable, I knew, so I didn't press.

I said I'd prepared something.

She asked about a Pastor to speak for him. 

"Your dad does not want that. He didn't want religion involved at all. No prayers, no mention of god." She looked at me quizzically.

"Your father unequivocally felt that if there was a God, he would not have let him suffer through the things he had to do in Vietnam. Many things he was ordered to do went against his moral judgement and soul."

We talked about the graveside thing. I'm not sure what it is really called. I said I'd talk to the funeral dudes [I know not the right wording?] 
I think I'll ask about playing Taps at the gravesite.

He did serve with honor even if it tore him up. 

The only thing wrong with those hospital beds is that I can't slide in next to him and hold him in my arms. If I had designed beds like this for home use. I'd make that possible.

His daughter was hesitant when she saw her father who is now unresponsive. He will grunt a bit when given a hug. That is a response.

I showed her how to lay her chest on her Dad's and softly hug him. I left her to it. 

I often go in and bend over the bed and lay my head on his chest to listen to his heart and his breathing. As a couple we always slept close to each other wrapped in each others arms. 

The nurse came to visit today and we stood with Rich for a while. He is not in pain and seems so at peace right now. He looked at me and said, "I honestly did not think I'd be making this visit today."

I nodded to him and said, "I thought so too overnight. He keeps making small rallies after dips."

He picked up Rich's hand and held it before he left. "I'll see you brother, take care."

[Nurse Jason is ex military also]

Thankfully I had Rich's daughter to myself during the day and we settled on some things that needed to be done and we didn't have to talk under the watchful eyes of her husband.

She left after a few hours and Steve came by to check on Rich. Steve said he didn't sleep much last night as he was so worried about Rich. 

Charlie kept us all grounded with his tail wagging and lap sitting.

One more day.

Charlie. The dog knows.

There is more than one reason to have a dog.

Charlie.
He has been acting a little different lately. He chooses not to go outside with me to do chores in the morning. He insists on staying in the house near hubby. He insists on getting up into the hospital bed with him during hubby's naps.

Does he like that situation much better than going out and smelling things? Or does he know that his master is not well.

When Charlie was under a year old, my MIL entered a nursing home. Charlie was allowed to go see her on a regular basis. He'd sit on her bed quietly while she petted him. In the hallway as we'd walk in or out residences would ask to pet him. Since he is only 7 inches tall, I'd lift him up so people could pet him.

Charlie would wag his tail furiously and make little soft noises. Sometimes a resident would give Charlie a ride in their wheelchair. Charlie would sit quietly and proudly as if he was a tiny king.

Charlie's nursing home visits stopped with Covid. I asked about going once more and since my MIL was no longer a resident [she died during Covid], they wanted Charlie to be a licensed Canine Good Citizen.

Poor Charlie. Sit, stay, down, are not in his vocabulary. 

Waggy Tails, Grunting with Pleasure, Wiggling, and being absolutely Cute are his strong points. Being silent and snuggling up to people are another.

Charlie now greets the hospice people with Wiggling and Happy Grunting [his Pekinese mom grunts with pleasure].

He will sit on his chair and take in all the conversation between Hospice and hubby.

When hubby gets his sponge bath, Charlie has to sit on the bed and oversee the process. He lays on the end of the bed and watches. Still as a statue.

Lately he is spending more time watching hubby. His every move is followed. Normally Charlie will take his place on the couch or his chair in the eating area and snooze while keeping a sleepy eye on the activity in the house.

Now he follows the wheelchair everywhere. 

I'd say that he is an exceptional Emotional Support Dog. Does he know what he is doing? Probably not. 

I looked up Emotional Support Dog and was surprised at how easy it is to get an animal certified without any special training.   Hmmmm.

That aside. Charlie knows.
He knows that one of his people needs his warm little body next to his and that somehow it makes that person feel better.

Seven years ago I brought home this funky little puppy and my husband said, "Well, what is he good for?" I handed the pup to my husband and he snuggled right in and made himself at home.

Indeed, what is he good for?

Charlie, you do not need a letter or a certification. We now know your purpose. 

And it is appreciated.