Dark.

I've been pretty much OK for most of the summer. But now we are entering the dark period. 

I have no desire to decorate for Halloween or for Fall. I don't care. It gets dark. 

Dark.

I did decorate last year and then took it all down before Halloween. I won't try to be normal this year and do that. If I don't feel like doing decorations, I won't. Christmas Decorations are still up in the air and I'm not thinking that far in advance.

The days are shorter and dark comes too early. I don't feel like wandering about at night right now. I intend to do something productive after supper but I find myself going to sit on the loveseat and eventually turn something on to keep me occupied.

I won't lie. Darkness brings loneliness. Although I have to admit, I don't feel lonely if we are out in the woods camping. Now that just sounds silly.

If anything. I am more isolated in our forest than in the house. But there are no electronics [yes, I have my phone in case of emergency]. I have a campfire which in itself feels more comforting than any smart tv or blabbering of some stupid show. I can turn on my book light and read when we retire into the tent.

It feels less.

Lonely.

Maybe because I am watching the moon while sitting on a stump of wood, or listening to the coyotes sing in the distance or hear a deer whistle not far off. 

Other nights though are sort of bleh. In the house I feel painfully aware of how alone I feel. Even when Rich wasn't too active, we'd sit on the couch together and I'd find something he liked to watch while I read a book and pet Charlie.

I had him next to me, his presence was there along with the noise of his concentrator.

Now?

It is dead silence. I need to fill the silence with music or blathering on the TV. The dogs are a comfort, they cuddle and sometimes Charlie snores. They are bodies next to mine. But they are not him.

The 11th

 Yesterday I found a spot to sit and think about us and how we were together. 

My heart ached as I relived holding you tightly with my head on your chest. The feeling that overwhelmed me when the breath stopped and your heart fell silent.

I looked across the world from where I sat quietly and felt you with me. Almost as if your arm was slung over my shoulders.

I felt the ache and the joy of being your partner. I went through a mix of emotions while gazing into the distance. 

You were with me in spirit. I felt it loud and clear.

So we sat with our spirits tangled together and for the first time in a year, I felt calm and loved once more.

Can't help it

Today is the day before the 1st anniversary of his death. So I went through my files and decided to look at as many photos of the ol' coot I could find.

The photos make me smile and recall with tenderness, what we had. Because now all I have are the memories and the constant ache of missing him. That is okay. It only means our love was that strong.
So, sorry, I couldn't help it, I felt compelled to make this post today.

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Our Wedding Photo. It seems like only yesterday. Yes, we were married on our mules with our kids there. Jer is the one on the right holding onto Billy-Bob's halter, in the middle is Rich's daughter, Stephanie. On the left is my oldest son, Eddie.

I designed a veil to go on my cowboy hat. We still have those matching saddles and saddle pads. The mules are long gone and the kids are 30 yrs older.

I was so damned happy with this guy.

This next shot was when he was in hospital after having a TIA during chemo and radiation. The left side of his face has no hair as the radiation killed it.

He was hamming it up for me just before the doctors came in to speak to us. 

Another out of order photo. 

Here, Rich meets his last grand daughter. She was only 6 months old. Meeting her meant to much to him as he knew he'd not be around to see her grow up. This was about 2 years ago.

Here is another of my all time favorite shots of him below.

I got him a chrome book so he could look at hound dawgs, mules, horses, and various other things as well as read articles. He found me the perfect hound dog in Georgia for $50. A coon hound who only treed 'possum. 

He was being serious here for a moment before he started to laugh. This was his professor look.

Fishing was another thing he loved to do. He loved it even when no fish were caught or we had to throw them back in. He taught me how to fish. Of course, I always had my pocket camera along.

He loved his hound dogs. His grandfather had Black and Tans. Rich raised champion Red Ticks and competed with them.

Later on, he switched back to Black and Tan hounds. We raised and trained so many of them. Here I convinced him to go for a winter walk with his newest pup. Dottie.

My next all time favorite. Hubby with his new pup Queen. She actually became my dog and hiked the forests with me. This is when he was most relaxed. Dogs, especially hounds had his heart.

This was taken in the first year of our marriage. Rich was showing one of our mule foals in Iowa. He cleaned up well. It was typical to see him with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth until he quit in 2000.

This was in 2010 I think. One of the many times he was admitted to the Mental Health floor to be evaluated and updated on his meds. His son in law and daughter came and the joy is evident on his face at being able to visit with his grands. 
The Mental Health floor no longer allows patients to sit outside the hospital, the ward is locked and there is a visiting room. 

Here he is in 1997, I just got home from work to find out that he had actually done some yard work. This is the look I got every time I got home. 

Every single time. Even if I'd just gone out to hang laundry, I'd come back inside to this smile.

We had something so rare.

This is the guy that touched my soul and made me who I am today.

He enchanted me. He was difficult, he was easy, he was complicated. He was

Rich

The photos are out of order and they are just glimpses of my favorite person to photograph.

I have photos of him giving me the finger too ... before he had his morning coffee.

His first marriage was something of a disaster. Vietnam Vet coming home. He wished to be normal, so married the first female he courted. Had a baby tried to be a father who was haunted by demons of war.

He tried so hard to 'get' better but it never really happened. We had good days, so many wonderful and magical days together.

Our story was amazing. The 'Crazy' Vietnam Vet and the Crazy Gal he met.

This is our last photo together. We didn't know it at the time but it would be the last day he'd be able to sit up in his wheel chair.

One of the Hospice workers told me to take selfies with him. I'm glad I did. I still see the glint of a smile in those eyes. 

Rich: My heart hurts today but it means I still miss you. So that is okay. 

The world did not stop when you died. I thought it would. It felt like it. 

I couldn't believe that the sun came up the next day and the world moved on.

Miss you.