and then...

 

One is day good, some days are wreck. That's the new state of my daily life.

When you died, I sat with you quietly and understood what happened but felt numb. You had waited for this event for so many years and talked about how death would bring you peace and end the pain you'd lived with for so long. Your breath stopped, I was watching for that.

I got up and turned off the oxygen concentrator and the house was suddenly so silent and immediately it felt abandoned and empty and...final.

I thought I was ready to handle it all. I was prepared to proceed with 'the things that needed to be done' next. I had a list of things to immediately accomplish. I had a list of places to call for notification. 

It felt like a business 'to do' list. 

I dove into the funeral business first everyone knows all about that.

I went down my list sometimes running into issues and hitches along the way. 

I figured that I'd grieved for years through all of your illnesses and close calls.

When you entered Hospice care, I was on high alert for months on end. Sometimes I wished for it to happen right away for you to end your suffering and the next moment I hated myself for thinking about it.

I wanted you here, I wanted you at peace and without pain. I couldn't have both at the same time. I quit the gym, I couldn't stand spending time with others who experienced joy and laughter. I carried my personal suffering quietly and sometimes angrily.

I was angry that family didn't step up or come around. They had their reasons but I couldn't see them or understand them. I hid that too and concentrated on our time together. I found that your friend Steve was the rock I could count on. I cherished those days when we worked so hard to bring you some enjoyment. 

Now it has been what, 9 months? I am looking back at last summer's photos of our little fishing trips on Wednesdays and the joy that it brought to you. I now wish I had more time to tell you how much I loved you and how much your smiles meant to me. I now regret not holding your hand every day [even though you were not a hand holder]. I wished we'd hugged more.

At night with my thoughts I wonder if I could have done more and realize those were just night wishes. I had so many nights without sleep for over 6 months. I was running on empty just like you were. 

I was pretty sure that my life would be easier after you were gone. I could sleep, I could go and do things I've dreamed of. I would be just fine and not a wreck because I was prepared.

Until I realized I wasn't. Half of me was gone. Okay, not literally, but you read about it all the time. I felt like I was adjusting to that. 

And then I wasn't.

No one else knows me like you did. No one knows you like I did. These were our secret powers. 

So, I have days where I am stuck standing in the middle of the living room with no place to go, and feeling quite lost. I do have places to go and things to do. But my feet are frozen to the floor for some reason. 

I don't want to go to the grocery store. I don't want to do anything I am supposed to be doing. I am just stuck and now I understand that I have to wait until I am unstuck and my feet can move and my brain can make a decision.

That shouldn't be. But I guess I didn't do grief the right way, if indeed there is a right way to grieve. I didn't fall apart, I just took care of things and continue to do so. And I get stuck.

Then I find a goal to work towards. I need a project or a challenge.

The months going by haven't really gotten easier. I've just been able to distract my brain.

I haven't found the answers to the questions I don't even understand yet.

But that is okay. 

I still think about you. I still see you. I still love you.

The Cowboy way

 Hi there. 

I thought I'd better check in with you. I don't know how this happened, but I am getting into my old groove again. By that, I mean I am doing sociable things. Hiking, riding, going out for coffee, joining a photography club, and learning to be alive again.

But every time I turn around, I find some wonderful memory popping up. 

You were standing next to the horse trailer with my mare, Cheyanne, saddled up and waiting. Your mule, Fred, was tied up next to her.

In your hand you had a cold beer waiting for me. You were casually leaning against your mule with a crooked grin on your face. 

I knew then as a 'newlywed' that I had died and ended up in marital heaven. 

You laughed and told me to grab my boots. We were going riding. I sipped the cold beer as we rode out.

Forget supper, this was cowboy romance.

The evening sun was pleasant. We rode through the neighbor's pasture gate and past the herd of beef cattle.

We found a scrub apple tree and tied up our mounts. 

You tossed a your shirt on the pasture grass.

The sunset was amazing. We watched the moon rise as our mounts munched on grass. You blew clouds of smoke into the air and leaned in...

You can guess the rest. Cowboy courtin'.

I only have those memories now.

Tonight this one smacked me right in the face as I sat on Siera and watched the sun start to fade.

I blush, remembering it.

No, I haven't met anyone. Hannah is helping fill the big aching hole in my heart. Puppies. What can I say? She demands so much, it keeps me busy.

Charlie keeps me grounded. He keeps me on track.

The mules? 

They spark the memories of the cowboy-muleman romance. 

Tonight, while riding Siera in the forest, I felt something like joy. I felt my heart warm.

That engaging memory flowed through me.

I hadn't felt like that in years. I gasped and then smiled. 

My my cheeks turn red. I sensed your presence.

Somehow I am having a joyful week. I should feel sad or perhaps guilty. But I'm going to take the joy and embrace it.

The pain will hit again, but I'm smiling when I think of you and your cowboy ways.

And that shirt on the ground. 

Healing a bit at a time.

I finally found something I could put on our headstone. I'd been looking for a hanging basket of
fake flowers, but settled on this.

 
Friday while at the gym, I partnered up with a gal named Charlene. She is super quiet and doesn't speak out much during our workouts.

After Rich died, I got quiet. I don't even speak most of the time during my gym workouts except to answer questions.

His death took away some of my spunk and attitude.

Don't get me wrong, I am not mute. I just don't see the point of gossip and other nonsensical conversations that don't impress me. Things feel so much different. Sometimes I feel like I am walking about in an alternative reality from others. 

Charlene and I were sharing a barbell doing Thrusters and other variations of strength training. 

In casual conversation, I mentioned something about taking papers to the bank to prove that I was the surviving spouse with right of survivorship to Charlene. 

Charlene was my 'gym' partner on this day. 

She quietly told me that her husband had died two years ago in June. She admited that Widowhood was difficult, even after nearly two years, she had to deal with things she never thought of.

I stood, probably with my mouth hanging wide open. I said, "Oh, I'm speechless, I think. I've never met another widow. Thank you for telling me." 

I immediately thought JEEZE, that was dumb! Stupid, stupid, stupid!

What I should have said aloud is that no one walks around introducing themselves as a widow.

We did another round of lifts.

I turned to her and said, "Thank you, you have no idea how alone I feel being a widow. It is like nobody else really gets it."

Charlene nodded. "They don't. I am glad we spoke. We have something very real in common."

"We do, we are different but we have this." We both looked at each other as we got ready to leave the gym. 

"Thank you."

She nodded.

Her eyes told me everything I needed to know. She still had pain behind those eyes. She still mourned. But she didn't broadcast her mourning or her pain. She kept it to herself because, unless you have that loss, you 

cannot

know 

the pain

endured 

each day.

And you are expected to get over it quickly.

Except is doesn't happen that way. Grief bombards you in the strangest of ways and places.

We smile, we go on. We work at living a life. Some days are good. Some days suck. We continue to explore who we are now that we are not the other half of another.

I waved as I left the gym. "I'll see you next week! And I promise not to lose you on that hike!"

She smiled. The smile nearly reached her eyes and she nodded.

"See you!"

~~~~~

Charlene had told me that she was joining me on the B-day hike. She was worried that I'd hike too fast and leave her behind. I assured her that no such thing would happen.

When I hike with others, it is at their ability and speed. When I go solo for time I never invite others. I am competing against myself. ~~~~

It is exhausting...

 Holy crap.

Today exhausted me mentally and physically like no other. 

I finally had to open an account in my name and leave yours behind. Somehow, it felt like a betrayal. 

I did have to wait until our taxes were filed and I received the refund from the state. It really threw me for a loop. How was I to endorse a check made out to me and your Estate? Huh? 

Just to prove things, I had to show our estate papers to the New Accounts lady. She wanted to know where HIS papers were. I carefully read the paperwork to her and pointed out that I was the Trustee now. When I am gone, another is named.

Her brows furrowed and then she got it. God, that really hurt.

Your name is now 'erased' from the banks files. It feels awful, as if you never existed. How can that be? Your 50+ years of having a relationship with the financial institution is done. Gone. 

At least with both names on our checks and other items, I felt a bit more whole even though you are not here.

Now I feel abandoned. Truly on my own without your support.

I left the bank and went grocery shopping. Guess who followed me around the store? Zeke. 

[For those who don't know, Zeke is a neighbor of sorts. He used to steal from his neighbors. He is too addled from alcoholism now to do much harm. He is loud and I don't care for him much. He hollered out 'Hey how is the old mule man?' I wasn't going to tell him that you were gone. I didn't want to have THAT conversation with him.] 

I changed the subject and went on my way. I didn't want to talk to him about you.

In fact I didn't want to talk to anyone at all. 

I thought I'd be much better by now. You know, okay and all that. 

When I got home and put away the groceries, I just felt pain. Even with happy dogs milling around my feet. I think I now understand the Mental Pain you went through after coming home. Just a little bit.

It is exhausting. I had to lay down.

You would laugh.

One warm cuddling dog on each side of me.

But it still hurts. With your name on our account, I somehow [weirdly] felt that you were still there, backing me up.

It is a hard realization that happens over and over my dearest. You are not there. Yet I feel you.

Hello Again

 I do miss you. 

Have you been following what I am doing around here?

Who would have thought that your Toyota in the shed would sell for what it did? Did you know at the time you were getting a 'Collector' Car? A Barn Find? A Treasure? I saw nothing but a heap of metal. That shows you what I know.

Your coveted Country Clipper is in for a Tune up. Mark was devastated when he heard you died. I thought he was going to cry. He put his head on the counter and was quiet for a few moments. He's going to revive your chainsaw too.

Decision making is hard without your input. Last night when another set of storms came through, I swear, I heard you talking in the other room.

I was sure I heard your voice.

Even the dogs turned their heads and looked into the living room.

I think you were asking what we were having for supper. I even answered you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have found that long distance hiking eases the pain of missing you. So I go walk. You never saw the movie Forrest Gump, but that is who I feel like. 

Hike Val Hike, that could be my mantra. Why do you hike? Because I feel like it. Crazy right?

I hear you laughing at me and I see you shaking your head. 

Am I crazy? I don't know. But I do know that missing you and letting it hurt is a good thing. I know I can feel emotion.

I've taken a break from the people at the gym who keep giving me that sideways look or completely ignoring me. After all, I've heard that I should be over it by now.

What is IT?

I still find myself standing on the porch or anywhere and just looking for something. Not really looking though. Just standing there as if frozen in time.

I did have a bright spot the other day. Jason who was your nurse mentioned said your name and commented on your humor. We laughed.

And I thanked him for telling his story and saying your name. Because you know... I feel...like...

I am half of myself these days. 

Even though I am trying so hard to find the new me without you.

That works some days and not so much on other days.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I just looked out in the yard. The grass is long again. Should I just mow it with the little mower? What do you think?

I'll wait for your answer. 

Talk to you later....

I never thought

I'd be one of those who would be effected by dates and anniversaries. I thought for sure I would easily deal with all of that stuff after losing Rich.

Huh. 

I am not.
His birthday is coming up and I can't stop thinking about it. 

We hardly gave it a thought when he was alive. I'd usually make something he'd requested for supper.

You know.

Steak and 'Tators. It was easy. 

Now this whole week feels focused on Saturday. I can't stop letting the date run through my mind.

When he was well, we'd go riding to hunt for interesting stuff we could find in the woods.

He was born on April 11th. 

He was drafted on May 11th. 

He died on September 11th. So each month I am reminded on the 11th. 

Saturday marks another 11th.

So this whole week I am really struggling. Because his birthday is coming up. Except it isn't his birthday any more. He won't have any more Holidays and birthdays with me. 

I thought I'd be okay. I really did. But there is that stupid 11 on the calendar, and this year, I will put a cupcake on the table for him and light a candle. 

I'll do this alone and I'll think about him.

 

I sure miss that goofy guy.

His laugh was infectious as it was loud and pleasant.

So yeah.

Here I am waiting on the 11th of April to honor him quietly in some way.

Always and forever in my heart.

Alone in a crowd

 ...or why I turned down invites to celebratory events and have been labeled as antisocial.

One of the first times I realized that even in a happy crowd, as a Widow, I felt completely isolated and uncomfortable. I went to photograph a wedding as an extra. They thought the activity would be fun for me. It was, until it wasn't. I felt extremely alone in a crowd.

Rich and I used to be tied at the hips and go to family reunions and gatherings. After his stroke, he didn't want to go anywhere, but asked me to go instead. I shared everything with him. How was your day? How was your workout? I was his eyes and ears for walks in the forest and other events.

I do still go to CrossFit and work out. But the atmosphere for me has changed. The others haven't changed, I've changed.

Some of the ladies who come do nothing but talk about their outings and events they have gone to. Lots of socialization with others. I get that, it was the same before Rich died. I just sort of laughed and would come home to care for Rich and tell him all about it. We'd chuckle together. All we needed was each other, right?

The CrossFit open competition starts this week at the end of February. Local gyms pay $20 and get picked on teams who compete at their own gyms. It is a fun competition and I've done it. You score each workout according to your age category and at the end of the games you find out 'how you compare to others in your age group'.

I've done well in years past, but that isn't the point now.

I don't care. I don't want to be in the gym with a huge crowd of family, onlookers, competitors, and the noise.

It literally makes me feel extremely ALONE. As if I am nothing but a ghost experiencing a loss of myself. The old me would have been cheering others on, helping out, jumping up and down, and joining in. Not this me. Not right now. 

Even on regular days now, I feel disconnected from everyone else. The new ladies think I am standoffish. They kept nagging me along with the coach --- they have been doing this each workout for the past few weeks. 

SIGN UP VAL COME ON, IT WILL BE FUN! Yep, they yelled, then the one loud mouth asked me WHY NOT? When I shook my head.

"I don't do crowds right now." I stared hard at her. "I'm still...mourning." I fluttered my hands.

"I just can't." 

I nearly walked out of the gym then when the silence hit. You could have heard a pony tail band drop.

The looks I got the rest of that hour were ones of side glances. It was if I'd introduced them to the Black Plague. Did I have a dark cloud hanging over me? 

Two other ladies in the gym did come up quietly and tell me they completely understood where I was coming from and that it was fine with them. One is Pat who I hike with, and the other is part of our monthly threesome that get together once a month for coffee and chat about grand kids and whatnot.

The coach who used to be a really fine friend never uttered a word. Never said a thing. Through the last few years of Rich's life she was always there with a word of support. 

Rich died. He has been erased by my casual friends. It is if he never existed. 

That's a cold hard truth that widows suffer.

No one asks, they go on. 

I feel like I am not on the same plane of time or space with them. I live in a slightly skewed dimension.

But he is not erased and my two friends and I get together every once in a while and tell stories about our spouses and laugh and they keep me afloat.

I still go to the gym. I still work out. The ghost of me works out. But some days I seriously question the joy of it.

----