Each Holiday marks another one that we are not together although we never did much on the holidays. You preferred quiet and solitude.
I'll never forget the first 4th we spent together. I had a long weekend and drove 4 hours to spend it riding with you in what is now the Kickapoo Valley Reserve.
We sat around the campfire with our mule friends at Mule Camp [it still retains that name after 30+ years]. You stated that you needed cigarettes. You were almost out.
Since your truck was hooked up to the trailer I offered to drive you to LaFarge a few miles away to the ZZ Stop for them. This was our third 'date' weekend.
I drove past the LaFarge High School as darkness fell and suddenly the skies lit up with fireworks, big bangs, the kind you could feel in your chest.
In one instant you'd gone from a joyful date to a man who looked like he'd seen a ghost as you tried to make yourself small and contain whatever monsters took over. You muttered, "Oh Shit." By the time we got to the gas station, you were too shaken to get out of my car.
That was the first time in my life that I purchased cigarettes.
We got back to camp and you went inside the camper on your truck without saying a word to those around the campfire.
I said goodnight for the both of us and mentioned the Fireworks. His friends nodded and asked if you'd be okay. I nodded and followed you into the camper.
Right then I knew I had to help you through the moment.
I sat next to you on the bed and put my arms around you. "You are safe with me. Always."
This was my first experience with a full meltdown with PTSD caused by the trigger of fireworks. That was the last time we went anywhere on the 4th of July.
Everyone that knew you, knew that noises like that would set you off.
That look on your face that night in the car introduced me to a different world that most people never get to see. I will never forget it.
I sat with you that night with my arms around you whispering that you were safe and that I was by your side.
My willingness not to judge you or fear your mental health issues was the glue that held us together. You were partly broken, but that was okay with me.
I do like fireworks, don't get me wrong. But each time I hear them on the 4th, it pulls me back to that night and how it solidified our relationship.
Until yesterday, we'd receive phone calls alerting us by close neighbors that they would be setting off fireworks or they'd be out target practicing. They all knew you and how you reacted to Fireworks.
The silence of that was louder than the fireworks.
