It is exhausting...

 Holy crap.

Today exhausted me mentally and physically like no other. 

I finally had to open an account in my name and leave yours behind. Somehow, it felt like a betrayal. 

I did have to wait until our taxes were filed and I received the refund from the state. It really threw me for a loop. How was I to endorse a check made out to me and your Estate? Huh? 

Just to prove things, I had to show our estate papers to the New Accounts lady. She wanted to know where HIS papers were. I carefully read the paperwork to her and pointed out that I was the Trustee now. When I am gone, another is named.

Her brows furrowed and then she got it. God, that really hurt.

Your name is now 'erased' from the banks files. It feels awful, as if you never existed. How can that be? Your 50+ years of having a relationship with the financial institution is done. Gone. 

At least with both names on our checks and other items, I felt a bit more whole even though you are not here.

Now I feel abandoned. Truly on my own without your support.

I left the bank and went grocery shopping. Guess who followed me around the store? Zeke. 

[For those who don't know, Zeke is a neighbor of sorts. He used to steal from his neighbors. He is too addled from alcoholism now to do much harm. He is loud and I don't care for him much. He hollered out 'Hey how is the old mule man?' I wasn't going to tell him that you were gone. I didn't want to have THAT conversation with him.] 

I changed the subject and went on my way. I didn't want to talk to him about you.

In fact I didn't want to talk to anyone at all. 

I thought I'd be much better by now. You know, okay and all that. 

When I got home and put away the groceries, I just felt pain. Even with happy dogs milling around my feet. I think I now understand the Mental Pain you went through after coming home. Just a little bit.

It is exhausting. I had to lay down.

You would laugh.

One warm cuddling dog on each side of me.

But it still hurts. With your name on our account, I somehow [weirdly] felt that you were still there, backing me up.

It is a hard realization that happens over and over my dearest. You are not there. Yet I feel you.

Hello Again

 I do miss you. 

Have you been following what I am doing around here?

Who would have thought that your Toyota in the shed would sell for what it did? Did you know at the time you were getting a 'Collector' Car? A Barn Find? A Treasure? I saw nothing but a heap of metal. That shows you what I know.

Your coveted Country Clipper is in for a Tune up. Mark was devastated when he heard you died. I thought he was going to cry. He put his head on the counter and was quiet for a few moments. He's going to revive your chainsaw too.

Decision making is hard without your input. Last night when another set of storms came through, I swear, I heard you talking in the other room.

I was sure I heard your voice.

Even the dogs turned their heads and looked into the living room.

I think you were asking what we were having for supper. I even answered you.

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I have found that long distance hiking eases the pain of missing you. So I go walk. You never saw the movie Forrest Gump, but that is who I feel like. 

Hike Val Hike, that could be my mantra. Why do you hike? Because I feel like it. Crazy right?

I hear you laughing at me and I see you shaking your head. 

Am I crazy? I don't know. But I do know that missing you and letting it hurt is a good thing. I know I can feel emotion.

I've taken a break from the people at the gym who keep giving me that sideways look or completely ignoring me. After all, I've heard that I should be over it by now.

What is IT?

I still find myself standing on the porch or anywhere and just looking for something. Not really looking though. Just standing there as if frozen in time.

I did have a bright spot the other day. Jason who was your nurse mentioned said your name and commented on your humor. We laughed.

And I thanked him for telling his story and saying your name. Because you know... I feel...like...

I am half of myself these days. 

Even though I am trying so hard to find the new me without you.

That works some days and not so much on other days.

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I just looked out in the yard. The grass is long again. Should I just mow it with the little mower? What do you think?

I'll wait for your answer. 

Talk to you later....

I never thought

I'd be one of those who would be effected by dates and anniversaries. I thought for sure I would easily deal with all of that stuff after losing Rich.

Huh. 

I am not.
His birthday is coming up and I can't stop thinking about it. 

We hardly gave it a thought when he was alive. I'd usually make something he'd requested for supper.

You know.

Steak and 'Tators. It was easy. 

Now this whole week feels focused on Saturday. I can't stop letting the date run through my mind.

When he was well, we'd go riding to hunt for interesting stuff we could find in the woods.

He was born on April 11th. 

He was drafted on May 11th. 

He died on September 11th. So each month I am reminded on the 11th. 

Saturday marks another 11th.

So this whole week I am really struggling. Because his birthday is coming up. Except it isn't his birthday any more. He won't have any more Holidays and birthdays with me. 

I thought I'd be okay. I really did. But there is that stupid 11 on the calendar, and this year, I will put a cupcake on the table for him and light a candle. 

I'll do this alone and I'll think about him.

 

I sure miss that goofy guy.

His laugh was infectious as it was loud and pleasant.

So yeah.

Here I am waiting on the 11th of April to honor him quietly in some way.

Always and forever in my heart.