Monday, May 18, 2015

What about his perspective?

What is it like to suddenly have your life turned upside down and everything turned crazy at once?

What is it like to suddenly have your quiet life in upheaval.  Doctors and family members are rushing you from one treatment to another.  One appointment after another.

Your quiet life on the little farm is now gone.  It is suddenly replaced by a steady stream of labs and appointments all week long.

You feel sick, you feel as if you have no energy.  It is a struggle each day to eat and to take your medicines.  You don't dare drive or go anywhere because you feel woozy and weak.  Your throat burns and you feel wobbly and exhausted.

Your life has been taken from you.  Yet the doctors and nurses say how well you are doing, the tumors have shrunk so much.  
They don't live in this horrid little world.  No one does but you.  You ache, you are tired, you have no life anymore.

You are offered little platitudes from everyone.  Nurses say "One Day at a Time".  You have an idea where you'd like to stick that.

Your life has spiraled out of control.  You no longer have that control of where, how, and when you want to do things.

Your family means well, but they push to get you to appointments on time, to make sure you eat, to make sure you have fluids, take your medicines...
and you just want to sleep and make them go away.

They don't know what it feels like, how could they?  It is not their body.

And you are angry and sad.

They even have the audacity to say it may get a bit worse before it gets better. And you ask yourself, I thought this was worse, I thought this was hell, ...how can it possibly get worse?

And your wife hovers.  She keeps trying to make sure you are doing what you are supposed to do.  You've snapped at her and then feel bad.
You are conflicted and tired, so tired.

You'd give anything just to feel a bit better.
And you know you have to continue because it is working.  But you don't have to like it.

2 comments:

  1. No one would like any part of what your husband is going through, but there are not too many alternatives. So glad the tumors are shrinking. You sure have been working your butt off with fencing and the animals. That is some herd! You are very strong and talented woman. Hang in there.

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  2. No one likes the alternative to treatment.

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