Friday's musings...and first steps

I woke up Friday morning in a foul sad mood and wanted to hold on to that "I hate the world mood" for the day.

My first thought was to cancel my gym workout and the luncheon date afterwards at my girlfriend's house. Why go and try to act all nice and all happy.

I decided to make myself go. I still didn't want to go when I got in the car and drove to town. I was still angry-sad. I was willing to be a Grumpet.

When I walked in the door and changed into my gym shoes, another member of the Legends quipped, "Oh boy that looks hard!" --> Meaning the workout that we would do was finishing up from the previous class. She smiled with such an engaging smile that I had to smile back. I felt my anger slipping away.

I said, "Well, we are Legends. We should request to take out the mats and have 'nap time' while the coach plays beautiful music for us."

That idea grew into a discussion. One day we'd show up in our PJ's and bring pillows and blankies and tell the coach our work out of the day is a nap and sleepy quiet time.

Slowly, I could feel the Grinch-tude leaching out of my bones. We started the warm up. As usual, I did something goofy [class clown] and the laughter was loud. The work out was hard. 300 meteres of rowing, box step ups [step up on a raised surface of 20 inches or less and step down], and burpees all modified for us older folks. 

I went at it like I was tackling a demon. The relief from being angry-sad became quite evident. I could smile and engage with other gym members. The sad still was there, I didn't want to go to the luncheon, but Pat who was putting it on stood next to me and put her arm around my shoulders. 

"Come on," she said, "Home made chili and good food. I'll even make sure you have some to take home."

My friend Pat has been supportive all along ... ever since I met her a year and a half ago. She never says sorry, never asks 'how are you doing' in the drama voice. She never asks but manages to make sure I tell her anyway. She offers nothing but to be a quiet friend who will message me at 5am to see if I am doing okay, no need she says to reply, just sent a thumbs up or down.

During the luncheon [wonderful food!] I end up talking with Emma who is going through trying to get her significant other well enough to come home so she can care for her. Emma is a retired doctor, she is in her 80's and has sought me out because I've walked this path more than once. 

I ask Emma how her Kathy is doing and she opens up and tells me everything that is on her mind while we eat. 

I see as she talks with me that is having a profound effect on both of us. We are sharing our grief and knowledge in an amazing way. She is a doctor and is asking me to just listen. I can see that she is getting things off her mind and I listen so intently that I don't hear the other folks at the table.

Emma gives me a squeeze on the arm when she is ready to leave and thanks me for listening.

As the others leave, I start to clear dishes and help Pat clean up. We get the dishes cleared and Pat pours us each a cup of coffee and tells me to sit down.

"You had another one of THOSE mornings, didn't you?"

I nod. "This helped immensely, thank you for making me come."

We fall silent and gaze out of her little cafe and look at the beautiful winter wonderland of melted snow and ice.

I tell her that I'll miss next week's workouts because I'll be sitting for my friends while they do a 5 day chemo treatment. 

Pat makes a face and then smiles at me. "Being with a 2 yr old and a 4 yr old will be the best thing for you during Christmas." 

"Indeed Pat. I will feel loved and needed and important to someone with this coming week. It will be good to chase around little ones."

Pat looked down at her coffee, she is such a wise friend. "Val, you give and give and give of yourself. You are a gift to anyone who knows you. I don't believe you know how much you are respected and loved in our class either. When you aren't there and you were caring for Rich, others would say that they just wished they were like you."

"Giving," I reply, " is the only way I can feel better. "I don't feel like I am just an old widow sitting in her house and glaring at the world or crumbling to pieces. I feel self worth if I can help either by doing or listening."

We finish our coffee and I tell Pat that I am terrified and excited about a hiking club I joined and that my first hike was on Saturday morning with complete strangers. 

Half of me says, don't go. Part of me says, it is too long of a drive. Another part of me says, this is just right up your alley.

I want to stay home. But if I go and I enjoy it, I just may expand my world and find new friends. That could be a good thing.

Pat takes a sip of coffee and says quietly, "Go do it. Let me know how it went when you are done."

It is much better than staring at the Christmas Tree chair and thinking about putting it all away because I am the only person enjoying it.

I packed a backpack with my spare gloves, some food, some water, and my normal hiking stuff last night.

I put my key to the car on top of the pile, I set a timer and put the directions to the meet up place in my phone to take me there.

I am terrified and excited to take that first step.

Fingers crossed.

And yes -- Rich told me to go, meet some folks. I'm proud of you girl [he'd say that anytime I had doubts]

Active Listening...

 I think I will complain.

Or at least talk about it.

Are you a good listener? Can you sit quietly while someone tells you what is going on in their lives? Can you not pipe up with a story of your own to interject? 

Can you really tell when the other person really really...really just needs to get things off their chest?

Can you be an active listener?

It is hard, really quite hard in this day and age. I learned Active Listening or Mindful Listening or whatever the key word is today?

It is listening without interrupting. Listening with attention.

I learned to listen without adding anything to the conversation during the years I was a medical secretary/receptionist. Often a patient would tell me about their aches, their pains, their troubles, and often I'd hear things I'd never want to repeat. [Pre HIPPA] I was a captive audience  as they waited in our waiting room without anyone else around.

I learned about relationships, arguments, problems, and I gave them my full attention as I had nothing else I could do.

I learned to be a good listener. I didn't give an opinion but listened with empathy and knew that I was hearing a story/or version of events that they needed to tell me. I was the captive audience. 

I kept quiet and acknowledged what they said. Once I had a patient tell me that is WHY she came to our office. She knew she could talk to me and Doc and it didn't end up on the gossip lines. Mind you, this was way before Facebook and a lot of social media. I listened and learned, I learned to empathize with our patients [mostly Chiropractic patients -- many had some serious health issues and Doc John was so good with them].

One patient who was most interesting would tell me that he liked coming to see Doc because I was the first secretary that didn't judge him by his looks and clothes. Dang. The guy couldn't read, couldn't write, but if you let him chat...he had the coolest stories to tell. I didn't mind  that he was dressed in rags and often smelled because he didn't have real running water. His conversations were always interesting.

Why the heck am I telling you this?

Well I called my youngest son to give him an update on 'our' situation with Rich. I love my youngest boy even if I can say that he has not found his way to maturity by the age of 43. He is THE Drama Queen [should be all caps!]. 

As soon as I started the update he interrupted with stories of a friend of friend who had some medical issues [I'll spare you all the details]. He told me how Devastated he was by this friend of a friend who was dying. He told me how it effected him and how he was managing it.

He didn't quite get it. All I wanted was for him to listen for a few minutes. He interrupted our conversation several times to talk to someone else. He put me on speaker phone to say hello to whoever was walking past and then explained that he had a friend of someone's boss that he had to take care of  and....

We finally got around to my reason for the call. I stated that I'd like him to come and see Rich while Rich was still able to recognize people and interact with them.

To which he replied, "Well mom, you know I want to be by your side holding your hand ... who else would you want there aside from your favorite son??? ... to hold your hand and console you as...."

I nearly tossed my cellphone across the lawn.

Still. Still.
It was all about him and no one else. He could not hear what I was saying. He couldn't listen or even hear what I was saying. He had a vision of swooping in and ... and what? 

Saving the day?

Nah. I've been with 2 others while they were actively dying and it is a very personal thing. It isn't something you want to share with a group. Hell, I don't want anyone else around when I sit with my soulmate as he finds his way to another place.

I don't need someone with me at that moment. I need it to be just the two of us. 
Period.

Period.

Yet my son kept insisting that HE and HE alone had to be there. I sighed. The conversation did not go according  to how I thought it should.

Rich is a stepdad to my sons and didn't enter their lives until they were in their late teens.

He was sort of an influence in their lives as the kids saw that I was happy with the rascal of a Muleman who taught me to hunt and be a better mule 'whisper-er' or shouter [think Dammit Sunshine!]. He taught me to hunt, to ride better, to learn the language of equine that included donkeys, mules, and horses.

He taught me to become confident and independent.

What I seemed to hear from my youngest was that it was HE who wanted to grieve and to feel cheated that his stepdad was failing.

My oldest boy is more reserved and seems to understand what I need. He will listen on his weekly phone calls. He listens. Period. 

Active Listening is just listening. Be quiet and hear what the other person is saying.

That's all. 

It really is simple.

Listen to others. It just is the best thing to practice.