It is exhausting...

 Holy crap.

Today exhausted me mentally and physically like no other. 

I finally had to open an account in my name and leave yours behind. Somehow, it felt like a betrayal. 

I did have to wait until our taxes were filed and I received the refund from the state. It really threw me for a loop. How was I to endorse a check made out to me and your Estate? Huh? 

Just to prove things, I had to show our estate papers to the New Accounts lady. She wanted to know where HIS papers were. I carefully read the paperwork to her and pointed out that I was the Trustee now. When I am gone, another is named.

Her brows furrowed and then she got it. God, that really hurt.

Your name is now 'erased' from the banks files. It feels awful, as if you never existed. How can that be? Your 50+ years of having a relationship with the financial institution is done. Gone. 

At least with both names on our checks and other items, I felt a bit more whole even though you are not here.

Now I feel abandoned. Truly on my own without your support.

I left the bank and went grocery shopping. Guess who followed me around the store? Zeke. 

[For those who don't know, Zeke is a neighbor of sorts. He used to steal from his neighbors. He is too addled from alcoholism now to do much harm. He is loud and I don't care for him much. He hollered out 'Hey how is the old mule man?' I wasn't going to tell him that you were gone. I didn't want to have THAT conversation with him.] 

I changed the subject and went on my way. I didn't want to talk to him about you.

In fact I didn't want to talk to anyone at all. 

I thought I'd be much better by now. You know, okay and all that. 

When I got home and put away the groceries, I just felt pain. Even with happy dogs milling around my feet. I think I now understand the Mental Pain you went through after coming home. Just a little bit.

It is exhausting. I had to lay down.

You would laugh.

One warm cuddling dog on each side of me.

But it still hurts. With your name on our account, I somehow [weirdly] felt that you were still there, backing me up.

It is a hard realization that happens over and over my dearest. You are not there. Yet I feel you.