I woke up Friday morning in a foul sad mood and wanted to hold on to that "I hate the world mood" for the day.
My first thought was to cancel my gym workout and the luncheon date afterwards at my girlfriend's house. Why go and try to act all nice and all happy.
I decided to make myself go. I still didn't want to go when I got in the car and drove to town. I was still angry-sad. I was willing to be a Grumpet.
When I walked in the door and changed into my gym shoes, another member of the Legends quipped, "Oh boy that looks hard!" --> Meaning the workout that we would do was finishing up from the previous class. She smiled with such an engaging smile that I had to smile back. I felt my anger slipping away.
I said, "Well, we are Legends. We should request to take out the mats and have 'nap time' while the coach plays beautiful music for us."
That idea grew into a discussion. One day we'd show up in our PJ's and bring pillows and blankies and tell the coach our work out of the day is a nap and sleepy quiet time.
Slowly, I could feel the Grinch-tude leaching out of my bones. We started the warm up. As usual, I did something goofy [class clown] and the laughter was loud. The work out was hard. 300 meteres of rowing, box step ups [step up on a raised surface of 20 inches or less and step down], and burpees all modified for us older folks.
I went at it like I was tackling a demon. The relief from being angry-sad became quite evident. I could smile and engage with other gym members. The sad still was there, I didn't want to go to the luncheon, but Pat who was putting it on stood next to me and put her arm around my shoulders.
"Come on," she said, "Home made chili and good food. I'll even make sure you have some to take home."
My friend Pat has been supportive all along ... ever since I met her a year and a half ago. She never says sorry, never asks 'how are you doing' in the drama voice. She never asks but manages to make sure I tell her anyway. She offers nothing but to be a quiet friend who will message me at 5am to see if I am doing okay, no need she says to reply, just sent a thumbs up or down.
During the luncheon [wonderful food!] I end up talking with Emma who is going through trying to get her significant other well enough to come home so she can care for her. Emma is a retired doctor, she is in her 80's and has sought me out because I've walked this path more than once.
I ask Emma how her Kathy is doing and she opens up and tells me everything that is on her mind while we eat.
I see as she talks with me that is having a profound effect on both of us. We are sharing our grief and knowledge in an amazing way. She is a doctor and is asking me to just listen. I can see that she is getting things off her mind and I listen so intently that I don't hear the other folks at the table.
Emma gives me a squeeze on the arm when she is ready to leave and thanks me for listening.
As the others leave, I start to clear dishes and help Pat clean up. We get the dishes cleared and Pat pours us each a cup of coffee and tells me to sit down.
"You had another one of THOSE mornings, didn't you?"
I nod. "This helped immensely, thank you for making me come."
We fall silent and gaze out of her little cafe and look at the beautiful winter wonderland of melted snow and ice.
I tell her that I'll miss next week's workouts because I'll be sitting for my friends while they do a 5 day chemo treatment.
Pat makes a face and then smiles at me. "Being with a 2 yr old and a 4 yr old will be the best thing for you during Christmas."
"Indeed Pat. I will feel loved and needed and important to someone with this coming week. It will be good to chase around little ones."
Pat looked down at her coffee, she is such a wise friend. "Val, you give and give and give of yourself. You are a gift to anyone who knows you. I don't believe you know how much you are respected and loved in our class either. When you aren't there and you were caring for Rich, others would say that they just wished they were like you."
"Giving," I reply, " is the only way I can feel better. "I don't feel like I am just an old widow sitting in her house and glaring at the world or crumbling to pieces. I feel self worth if I can help either by doing or listening."
We finish our coffee and I tell Pat that I am terrified and excited about a hiking club I joined and that my first hike was on Saturday morning with complete strangers.
Half of me says, don't go. Part of me says, it is too long of a drive. Another part of me says, this is just right up your alley.
I want to stay home. But if I go and I enjoy it, I just may expand my world and find new friends. That could be a good thing.
Pat takes a sip of coffee and says quietly, "Go do it. Let me know how it went when you are done."
It is much better than staring at the Christmas Tree chair and thinking about putting it all away because I am the only person enjoying it.
I packed a backpack with my spare gloves, some food, some water, and my normal hiking stuff last night.
I put my key to the car on top of the pile, I set a timer and put the directions to the meet up place in my phone to take me there.
I am terrified and excited to take that first step.
Fingers crossed.
And yes -- Rich told me to go, meet some folks. I'm proud of you girl [he'd say that anytime I had doubts]
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