Hello Again

 I do miss you. 

Have you been following what I am doing around here?

Who would have thought that your Toyota in the shed would sell for what it did? Did you know at the time you were getting a 'Collector' Car? A Barn Find? A Treasure? I saw nothing but a heap of metal. That shows you what I know.

Your coveted Country Clipper is in for a Tune up. Mark was devastated when he heard you died. I thought he was going to cry. He put his head on the counter and was quiet for a few moments. He's going to revive your chainsaw too.

Decision making is hard without your input. Last night when another set of storms came through, I swear, I heard you talking in the other room.

I was sure I heard your voice.

Even the dogs turned their heads and looked into the living room.

I think you were asking what we were having for supper. I even answered you.

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I have found that long distance hiking eases the pain of missing you. So I go walk. You never saw the movie Forrest Gump, but that is who I feel like. 

Hike Val Hike, that could be my mantra. Why do you hike? Because I feel like it. Crazy right?

I hear you laughing at me and I see you shaking your head. 

Am I crazy? I don't know. But I do know that missing you and letting it hurt is a good thing. I know I can feel emotion.

I've taken a break from the people at the gym who keep giving me that sideways look or completely ignoring me. After all, I've heard that I should be over it by now.

What is IT?

I still find myself standing on the porch or anywhere and just looking for something. Not really looking though. Just standing there as if frozen in time.

I did have a bright spot the other day. Jason who was your nurse mentioned said your name and commented on your humor. We laughed.

And I thanked him for telling his story and saying your name. Because you know... I feel...like...

I am half of myself these days. 

Even though I am trying so hard to find the new me without you.

That works some days and not so much on other days.

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I just looked out in the yard. The grass is long again. Should I just mow it with the little mower? What do you think?

I'll wait for your answer. 

Talk to you later....

Still figuring it out

Your death didn't just break my heart
it also changed who I was
it changed my entire world.

It taught me things I didn't 
want to learn.

I keep wanting to share everything
with you like before.

But now? I stand stunned
in empty rooms.
I don't know what to do.
I get stuck and just
stare
out a window.

Some days I mourn my old life with
you
as much as I mourn you.

Even when you were in Hospice 
and dying, we still talked. 

We still made decisions together.
Always together.

And now.
I have to make them ALL

on my own.

Some people think I should be 'over it' by now. After all, my caring for him has been a long journey. I should have been prepared. We spent 6 months together in the dying process. Each precious moment sometimes felt like forever.

I sometimes wish we had longer and know we didn't. 

The death of a close loved one changes you. 

For 30 years we were partners. Our lives were so intertwined that we were part of each other.
But your gone. So half of me is gone too.

But who am I now? I feel as if I am missing half of me. It is hard to figure out who I am. I have to recreate myself in some ways.
The joy of sharing my escapades and adventures is gone so what is the point of them? 

When I had a bad day, you'd comfort me, even if you weren't feeling well.

I'm trying to be normal around others and I think I pull it off pretty well. Most of the time. 

I'll sit at the gym before our class and listen to some of the ladies talk about pretty bullshitty stuff. Stuff that seems to not matter anymore, not to me at least. I wonder what would happen if I told them what I thought.

They'd just think I'm a nasty woman. Really? Makeup and gym tights are things worth fretting over?

 ~~~~

Death and grief changes you.
It changes your perspective on everything. I do mean everything.

And then comes a bad day. I mean bad enough that nothing goes right. 

For the very first time in my life, I could not do anything. I didn't care. I just sat in the quiet of the house and knew I had entered a place of emotional numbness. I felt nothing. Not even pain. 

Charlie crept into my lap and made no demands. 

For a whole day, I was lost. 

I gave myself that day. I had earned it.