Saturday, April 25, 2015

Anger Emotions Tired Changing

Pretty much, the title says most of it all.  We are going day by day now, one day at a time.

Treatment was supposed to start on Monday.  I made phone calls to the Coordinator of Care at both the VA and the UW Hospitals and they both concurred on this.

We were told that we'd get called by Thursday or Friday at the latest. I spent Thursday doing things around the house.  By late Thursday I took a short walk into the woods while Rich slept.  

His surgery from Monday was still bothering him.  He couldn't pick heavy things up or bend over easily, but we were learning how to flush Miss Peggy the PEG tube.  It looked to be healing quite well.

By Friday morning I was tired, so bone tired that it felt like it took all of my strength just to do the chores.  I didn't mind the rain.  But I did mind feeling as though I were dragging and elephant along through the mud with me.

I'd been reading the literature sent to me by the Caregiver Coordinator from the VA.  I was suffering some Caregiver burnout and here we hadn't even begun to start the 'tough' stuff.  How in the heck was I going to make it through weeks of Radiation and Chemotherapy and be kind and understanding?

Could I do it?

We'd already been seeing that in the fact that both Rich's emotions and mine were running wild circles around each other.  He'd be up, I'd be down. 

I wondered if I was truly going to be up to this task before me.  We still had no true idea of what we were getting into.
We'd heard a lot about 'how tough' things were going to get or 'could' get, or 'might' get.  It all depends on the individual.

Enough was enough.  Rich asked me if I wanted to go car shopping.  I jumped at the idea as it was better than sitting in the house thinking gloomy thoughts on a gloomy day.

We went to LaCrosse and took care of our transportation issues. We have been frugal folks for years and we had decent vehicles but the Subaru was having mechanical issues.  In fact it seemed as though they were going to be non-stop at this point.  Fixing it completely would be about as much money as it was worth.  It was 13 years old.
Rich did something I never expected him to do ... not ever.
He bought me a brand new Red XVCrosstek made by Subaru.
He made it clear that he was buying me a new car.

It may seem very imprudent to those who don't know us.  But traveling 190 miles a day was going to be too iffy with our aged vehicles.  

We were both exhausted when we got home from LaCrosse Friday night.

This morning I was getting ready to go outside and do chores while Rich was talking to his mother on the phone.  She must have asked something about the PEG tube.

Rich replied that he had to flush it ... then he had to do some more reading about it.  We both had some questions for the doctors on the follow up appointment.
He then said, "Well she doesn't help me at all, she says I'm on my own, ... ornery old heifer! Yep, here I am, left like an old sheet hung on the line to dry..."

I closed the door and stepped outside.  I was fuming.  How dare he say that?
I did the chores and filled water tanks along with buckets.  I moved bales and prepared everything for the evening chores.  I had to go do a 12 hour overnight shift and he was going to have to work through chores on his own.

When I got back inside, I'd calmed down a bit.  I was still ready to bite someone's head off.  But I held my tongue.

Rich picked up the menu from Iguana's Mexican Street Cafe and asked me a question about what pico de gallo was.  I gave him a stare, it could have probably peeled the paint job off from our new car that we would pick up Monday night.  
Iguana's Mexican Street Cafe is owned by the fellow who sold us the car, it is his and his wife's business.  

He must have figured it out.
I grimaced, "Do you have to be so mean about it?  I don't help you at all? What about what I do here, what about," ... I tossed my hands in the air.

His mouth formed an "O".  Then he nodded.
"I'm sorry," I said, "I just with all of this..." I shrugged.
"I know and I hope you know that I was joking, I was kidding."  He thought for a second then said, "With what we are going through, I'm guessing we are going to go through a lot of this.  Boy, it is going to be hard."

We.  We are going through.  That was the key.  It wasn't just him, it was us. In a way it was changing our relationship and I think for the better in some ways.
We were beginning to think more of each other's personal feelings.  We were recognizing our ups and downs.  We were changing, our marriage was changing.


  1. I think Nick and I learned to be even more open with each other thru all of this....

  2. Yes we learned quite a few life lessons too.