Friday, April 17, 2015

After the Teeth Pulling & PET Scan Notification

From my journal April 6th

Crazy.  Our days and nights have been a bit of hell.  Rich sits and stares out the window.  He goes from being angry to being sad and depressed within hours.

He won't admit it, but the oral surgery did hurt and he'd refused meds for the pain.  Tough guy.

I've made shredded meat stews and other easy to eat foods for him.  I avoid the chips, a food he loves.  I suggest he try and Oreo cookie dipped in milk to soften it.
He waves me away.

"Life sucks," he finally says to me.  "I should just ...," he stops and says nothing, then gets up and walks out of the room.

I try to get him to watch a program on Netflix.  He shakes his head and mumbles that he is going to nap.

I need to go to town and get some ice cream perhaps to cheer him up.  My Grandmother always said that Ice Cream was the cure for everything.

I have a list of simple groceries to get.
I park in the Jubilee parking lot and am suddenly overcome by grief or emotion.  I sit in the Subaru unable to move.  I want to cry I want to scream and throw things, I want to be... I don't know what I want.

Tears slide out the corners of my eyes.  I wipe at them and stare off for a bit taking breaths.  
Why should I be upset right?  What right do I have to be emotional?  I do NOT have cancer.  I am not the one who has IT.

My mind goes blank and I wait for a bit to get things under control.  I step out of the car and shut the door.

I start towards the store.  When I get inside I cannot recall what I was there for.  
I grab my list out of my pocket and find myself wandering around somewhat aimlessly.

When I come home with ice cream Rich's face lights up like a Christmas Tree.

The phone rings and it is the UW Hospital calling.  They have scheduled the PET scan for the 9th of April.  A nurse will call us with details later.

Well there we go.  We made another day.

Outside I find a beautiful crocus that has opened.


  1. Val, I sit here and try to imagine what it's going to be like for you and Rich to go through all this. It's not possible, of course. I'm sure it's going to be a wild ride. I'm also sure that YOU are the biggest blessing he has right now, and he realizes that. I imagine that the "patience of a saint" that I credit you with will be sorely tested ... and often. It takes a village to get through this kind of thing. Please don't forget to take care of YOU. Even Wonder Woman needs help occasionally. Sending prayers and love up your way.

  2. God!! You wrote what I felt half of October and all of November............oh hell....I'm still feeling like this!!!

    1. It is hard to go back and re read what my feelings were. I can remember sitting in the car and wondering how on earth I could take another breath.