Your death didn't just break my heart
it also changed who I was
it changed my entire world.
It taught me things I didn't
want to learn.
I keep wanting to share everything
with you like before.
But now? I stand stunned
in empty rooms.
I don't know what to do.
I get stuck and just
stare
out a window.
Some days I mourn my old life with
you
as much as I mourn you.
Even when you were in Hospice
and dying, we still talked.
We still made decisions together.
Always together.
And now.
I have to make them ALL
on my own.
Some people think I should be 'over it' by now. After all, my caring for him has been a long journey. I should have been prepared. We spent 6 months together in the dying process. Each precious moment sometimes felt like forever.
I sometimes wish we had longer and know we didn't.
The death of a close loved one changes you.
For 30 years we were partners. Our lives were so intertwined that we were part of each other.
But your gone. So half of me is gone too.
But who am I now? I feel as if I am missing half of me. It is hard to figure out who I am. I have to recreate myself in some ways.
The joy of sharing my escapades and adventures is gone so what is the point of them?
When I had a bad day, you'd comfort me, even if you weren't feeling well.
I'm trying to be normal around others and I think I pull it off pretty well. Most of the time.
I'll sit at the gym before our class and listen to some of the ladies talk about pretty bullshitty stuff. Stuff that seems to not matter anymore, not to me at least. I wonder what would happen if I told them what I thought.
They'd just think I'm a nasty woman. Really? Makeup and gym tights are things worth fretting over?
~~~~
Death and grief changes you.
It changes your perspective on everything. I do mean everything.
And then comes a bad day. I mean bad enough that nothing goes right.
For the very first time in my life, I could not do anything. I didn't care. I just sat in the quiet of the house and knew I had entered a place of emotional numbness. I felt nothing. Not even pain.
Charlie crept into my lap and made no demands.
For a whole day, I was lost.
I gave myself that day. I had earned it.
Your writing over here is very powerful. I can relate. Even though I am not there yet, I realize that is by luck, and that could be me.
ReplyDeleteEloquence often comes with extreme pain.
DeleteThis is all so true. During my caregiving then hospice at home time I was amazed by the things people were all upset about, such trivia. But like you, I thought best not say so. And yes, just as when he came into your life he changed who you were, when he left that changed not just your life, but who you are now. It takes a lot of rebuilding. Bit by bit. People who expect you to resume your previous life simply don't get the size of the decision making and new paths you have to find.
ReplyDeleteSome days I feel like I am going backwards and not forward. I doubt winter weather has helped this year.
Delete(virtual hug because I am not really a hugger). One day at a time. Rich is listening.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Thankfully, I had a nice visit from some of Steve's kids this weekend which was really quite welcome. Steve was the guy that took us fishing once a week all summer long.
Delete