Oh sometimes I get in a mood. Certainly being stuck indoors does that to me.
Introspection is like taking an x-ray
of your emotions,
thoughts,
and behaviors.
~
After all, being stuck inside makes me cranky. So I start thinking. How did I get to this point? Am I a good person? Am I happy? Am I...
Well, you get the idea. So much has shaped me [just as it does others] over the years.
Then I look in the mirror and realize that I am not the same person on the outside that I feel like on the inside. I feel no different than when I was much younger. My soul is the same, the package it is harbored in has changed.
Why do people see the outside and never the inside?
Why do we have to be so strong when we feel so exhausted.
Heavy thoughts for a grey day.
Next week is my first shot of Prolia which could become a lifetime commitment. Some of the pros and cons go like this...
Lifetime of shots every six months.
The bones are like an organ. The spine holds the rest of me up. The bones support my organs. Without my bones I would be helpless. So the decision is to try and save my bones just as I would try to save my heart or any other vital organ.
The cons are there too. In the form of side effects. I'm going to think positive. IF I get along with the Prolia, quitting is not an option after a year or so. If one quits, the incidents of spinal compression fractures increase exponentially. The other choice was to try an infusion of the cocktails of meds that already led me to great pains.
That would have been once a year. Followed by IV steroids to combat the painful side effects. [yeah...um, no! Needles and IV stuff? Oh yuck!]
This all is going to occur right at the holiday time.
Since I am having a moody few days, I may as well say it. The things I miss most are the family get togethers that are done this time of year. I do feel lonely. I don't have the option of just going to visit my kids and grands. [They all live at least 4 hours away]
My step family does ignore us during the Holidays. We became nonexistent once I stated that driving 2 1/2 hours one way to have dinner and visit then drive back home at the end of the day was no longer an option.
Imagine having to haul all the oxygen equipment and medications. [and at that time, hauling my MIL who could barely walk and soaked her diapers if sitting too long]
So I fight sad thoughts during the Holidays with a cheery smile and hide behind that smile.
Not all days are like that. I do find relief in my own ways as long as I can get out into the woods.
The pages with writing and drawing are it. One foot in front of the other. I'm sorry you are alone at the holidays. For all the chaos, I would not trade mine. I'm sorry your step family doesn't make the effort. And I am sorry your children and grands are so far away. I know my sympathy doesn't make it better.
ReplyDeleteIt's a dismal time of year weather-wise and it makes one's outlook dismal, too. And those hunters aren't helping you get out and breathe.
I am watching your bone journey and paying close attention. I just told my granddaughter I am getting pictures of the inside of my bones tomorrow (Dex). We'll see where we are. I know you struggle with which decision to make. I am going to curse and I am sorry but it is should you do this shitty treatment or the other shitty treatment. Hoping and praying and sending good thoughts (and maybe doing a medicine dance) for you not to have the side effects. There are people that don't and you deserve to be that people!!!!