My once very vibrant, contentious, fun, frustrating, funny, and bull headed husband is slowly fading away from me.
This year though, his mood is better. It all has to do with the constant photos we receive from my oldest son of our newest little grand daughter. Some mornings, Rich taps my phone to watch 20 second videos of Rory just doing normal baby things. He loves to hear her voice and her cooing as well as her antics.
He had another TIA which concerned the doctors who wanted to order a battery of tests and a slew of medications.
We reminded them that he is in Palliative Care. He wants no new tests. He wants only to be left alone by the medical people and as remain comfortable as he can be.
He commented that he'd be happy enough if he just died in his sleep.
The attending ED doctor looked at him and then me and said, "But maybe you don't really mean that. I mean, think of your wife. This may be painful for her to hear."
I pipped up and replied, "He has no quality of life doc, this is something we have discussed and thought about. No one is prepared for their life to end. But then again, he doesn't have to fight through all of his illnesses and put on a brave face for me. I am with him 24 hrs a day and see his continuous struggles. You don't. Believe me, it is okay and not painful."
A nurse came in and commented that he had gained weight and perhaps he should look into losing some weight and eating healthier... and maybe doing some exercise???
I walked out with the nurse and asked if she'd looked at his chart. I gave her the stink eye and said her comment was appreciated, but totally uncalled for. I'm sure she meant well on her 'high' horse. But I kindly took her off that and dumped her on the ground as easily as possible. Her comments, I told her would resonate better with a patient who was young and in good health, but perhaps not someone in end stage COPD.
As good as doctors, nurses, and all medical staff are, some have never lived around the clock with a person who has lost their previous lives.
In fact not many people really REALLY know what a spouse/sister/Aunt/daughter/son Caregiver really go through at all.
It is something so many do silently and without much complaint.
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My husband's day starts when he gets up at whatever time. It can be 5 am or 9 am, there is no rhyme or reason.
He has 2.5 cups of coffee...exactly. He can make his own instant oatmeal some days, some days not. I have to carry his coffee for him or he spills it because his hands shake so badly. His coffee sits on an old hand towel to catch what he spills as he sips it.
Sometimes I have to feed him. Again, the shakes. And oh the embarrassment and self loathing that follows that!
I fill bird feeders, hummingbird feeders and arrange them each morning so he can watch out the window and try to tell me which birds he sees. He has aphasia so the bird names often come out oddly, but I know what he is trying to say. He's had word finding difficulty since 2017. I'm used to it.
He can be delightful and funny still. He also gets quiet and it seems that I lose him to another world where he is shut in his mind.
In two hours after breakfast on the dot, he is ready for the morning nap. That lasts until noon. He gives me his order for lunch. I make it. We eat together and chat about whatever. I put Lego minifigs on the table and play with them. He laughs.
At 1pm sharp, it is time for a nap unless it is dry enough for me to bring him the riding mower. If he can mow, he is happy. I help him onto the mower and situate his oxygen. He takes off wearing his cowboy hat and shades.
I think it makes him feel free and worthy to do the big yard. He is mobile and he is good at it. Sometimes he bumps into things.
When he comes up to the porch on the mower, his smile is huge. I help him off and it is time for a drink of water and a ... nap.
On days he can't mow because of the weather, he sits at the table and watches the birds. When that bores him he lays down again.
His schedule revolves around routine. After the 1pm nap which is short, he watches mysteries on the TV....until it is nap time again.
By then we are close to supper time and he asks me what we are having for supper. [He can never recall what I tell him about supper or other things]
*I forgot* is his new mantra. And it is true. He talked and listened at length about things his daughter was telling him on the phone on Father's Day. His end of the conversation was ... "Oh" "Yes" "Hmmm"
When I asked about what they discussed over our supper, he looked up and shrugged.
"I can't remember."
Long conversations on the phone are good. He likes to listen. But he cannot recall what the topics were. He can rarely recall what I planned for a meal after I've told him. Some days he can't navigate the TV.
He has developed a rather alarming cough which is part of his COPD. He has more and more trouble breathing and his intercostal muscles surrounding his ribs hurt from coughing. If he goes without O2, when waking up and changing from his CPAP to his concentrator, his O2 levels drop below 80%.
I feel guilty, because some days I wish that his suffering would end. He once said that if he was an old hound dog, his owners would never let him suffer this way.
He wonders often why humans have to suffer when pets didn't.
