Advice on what now...

 Actually, I don't have any advice. Period. 

Everyone says: It will get better. It will.

Alert.

It hasn't. IF it wasn't this time of year, perhaps I could distract myself in the long dark cold evenings or I could distract myself during the long ... cold...dark mornings. 

My saving grace is forcing myself to go do things when it would be so much easier just to wrap up in a blanket with Charlie at home and watch the wall do nothing. 

This is called depression and it is classic. However, it did not hit me hard until 3 months later. I have a feeling that I am not the only one to go through this, but at night with just the soft light coming from the Christmas Chair, it feels as though I AM the only person in the world experiencing this.

In fact at 3am, 4am, 5am...I know I am the only person in the world experiencing such harsh, painful, and gut wrenching grief. No one else in the world knows what it is like.

Charlie sits up and stares at me. He can only sigh and move closer. My stomach aches, my eyes burn, my throat tightens. Then nothing. I am numb. I am tired. I am angry, sad, frustrated all at the same time. How on earth can that even be?

Yesterday was so happy, so fun, and so energizing. The dark morning is so wretched. I get up, light the scented candles, and made some decafe. 

I stop at the sink and look at the dishes I didn't wash last night. My first thought is to throw the dishes in the trash. I know I'd regret it so I stack them into a sink tub to do later. Maybe the dish fairy will show up and clean them. I don't even want to look at them. For some reason I hate them. 

The 4 dishes and 2 cups show me that only one person lives here. 

Stupid.

I want to kick something, but don't.  I feed Charlie and he gobbles up his breakfast and stares at me until I realize that his grunts are for his morning chew treat that is supposed to clean his teeth.

Good Dog. He makes me move from where I was glued to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I finally decided that I was going to force myself to go to the gym and work out with my gym pals, my support group. We gals wore our Friday shirts that says CrossFit Legends-I'll be there for you T-shirts.

We'd done a hard cardio workout and then Deadlifts which are everyone's favorites. I did a life time achievement lift. I weigh 118 lbs and lifted 160.  The coach was exuberant as were the others. Oddly enough, I wasn't, I just shrugged.

Then I helped Charlene who was having trouble with stretching out afterward. Julie came up and hugged me telling me that her new cancer treatment was hopeful. Pat came up to me in the parking lot with a meal of Chicken Gumbo and Rice that she'd made and handed it to me. She thought a homemade meal would be good for me.

When I got in the car to drive home, I didn't want to kick the dog or scream at the world. Even though there was freezing drizzle, I felt oddly comfortable and pleasant.

Then came the phone call from Olive. She apologized and said she had a BIG ask. What was I doing for Christmas Week?

I immediately told her I was available for whatever she needed. Nate was going to have his second round of 5 days of chemo from the 22nd to the 26th. I said I'd clear my schedule and there it was. I could watch her 2 and 4 yr old boys for the week while they did the infusions.

She apologized for the Big Ask during Christmas and I said I that I could think of no better way to spend the Holidays but with children. 

So, my what now advice? I don't have any. But when others reach out, it makes life a bit better.

No one really knows how much they helped me on Friday. But I do.