She asks Rich if he knows why he is there? He squints his eyes and seems to think. I've noticed over the years that the eye squinting comes just before his answer which is:
"I want to feel better. I just want to feel better. I feel like I am dying bit by bit."
This has become his new mantra of sorts. Anyone asks him how he is or how he is feeling, that is his answer. As I watch the doctor glance at him and scribble notes, I realize that the words are slightly different but the answers have been consistently the same for all of the years I've known Rich.
Lindsey asks him if he knows what causes him to feel this way.
"I don't know. I just want to feel better. I am tired of feeling like this."
She looks at him and me and then prompts him by asking if he read the letter from the neuro-psychologists. He shrugs. Their letter with multiple diagnosis of his medical issues weren't of interest to him. I let her know that but tell her that I did in fact read it to him.
Rich shrugs.
"Rich do you know that you have also been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder?"
Another alphabet diagnosis I think. In medical shorthand MDD. A light goes on somewhere in the back of my mind. And for some reason I am not surprised at this diagnosis. It makes sense, I felt his meds were starting to fail him, but as always his re-occurrences of depression always have a way of sneaking up on us.
So it was official. MDD. This explained quite a bit.
Lindsey continues, "So Rich I am here to help you figure out how to feel better and break this depression cycle."
He looks at her and squints again. "I have no idea how you think you can do that."
She doesn't get discouraged. Good for her, I think. Lindsey begins to explain the methods of getting a person out of major depression. She asks questions and he haltingly answers.
It almost seems as if he doesn't want to get better. But then I am not surprised as this is the depression stacked on top of COPD, and PTSD along with stroke and the some level of dementia or cognitive dysfunction. I wonder how in the hell are the doctors and I are going to pull him up and out of this.
Lindsey draws a map for Rich to explain what she is talking about.
"You want to feel better," she says, "this has to do with your thoughts and feelings, we need to help them. One of the ways is to get out and do something. Get away from the bed and be more active."
He grimaces. "I can't. I hit that wall and if I don't lay down, I'll tip over."
She thinks a moment and then asks, "Are you a fall risk?"
"No, I am fine. I just get so tired." I can see by his expression that he doesn't believe her.
Lindsey draws out something on paper and shows it to him.
[I took the liberty of going into Photoshop and making the following graphic to mimic her hand drawing. I chose bright colors because I always want to feel hopeful]
"Your behavior effects your thoughts. If you start here and get moving, doing something different that you used to enjoy then your feelings will improve and your thoughts will improve."
He stares at the paper and I know he doesn't see it.
The discussion goes on for a while. I suggest fishing. Rich says he 'can't'. What if he gets short of breath? I reply we'll have 02 along. What if he gets tired? We have seats in the Subaru that recline. What if he can't ... make it to the car? We bring fold up chairs.
Lindsey uses encouragement and Rich is given an assignment to go fishing. [Now looking at my calendar and the weather, I see no time for fishing.]
Then Lindsey does something surprising.
She turns to me and asks, "How are you doing?"
"Honestly? Some days I have no idea. I get frustrated, short tempered, ..."
"What sort of support do you have?"
"I have a neighbor who will listen. There is a group that meets in Viroqua once a month but generally I have appointments that day and it is during the time I need to be doing chores."
"Would you consider counseling?"
"Can't afford it now that I quit work to take care of Rich." I state.
Lindsey reads her notes and then says that the VA will provide those veteran spouses with care when the veteran is 100%. I am surprised, I knew about that but never had anyone at the VA approach it.
Lindsey says she will look into it. I believe she will.
Our ride back from the VA is long and I am tired after 3 appointments. Rich uses his 02 while he sleeps in the passenger seat. My mind mulls over the depression issues and how can I work to get him to 'move'.
When we get home I tell him that he will feed the two donkeys every day like he used to.
He fires back at me: What if I can't make it? What if I can't walk there and back?
Me: Then I will sit with you in the dirt until you can make it.
Him: What if I get out of breath?
Me: I'll bring you oxygen.
Him: Oh like this is going to cure me huh?
Me: Nope. But if you keep laying in bed all day long and never moving, you will make yourself worse, your heart will fail, your lungs will fail, and your mind will fail. Move it or lose it. You tell your mom to move, you need to take your own advice.
Him: I'm going to bed.
Yesterday though, I stood my ground and he did walk to the shed and get flakes of hay to feed Thor and Bob. It took an extra hour or so of my day. But it got done.
Depression is an ugly thing.
