No Easy Answers

We've fought through throat cancer treatments and recovery. We seemed to do so well after that until the stroke came to strike out hard.

Well, the recovery physically from the stroke was amazing. Rich could walk, and move with no after effects. His speech had issues but most people can eventually get what he is trying to convey.

Then winter came on. Typically winter is his most difficult time anyway. Mentally it is draining because the weather is cold and the days are dreary. However COPD plays a huge factor in this too. 
Too cold? He can't breath outside. The cold air sends his bronchial tubes into spasms and it feels...well. No other word to describe it, like suffocation. Even with something over his mouth periodically to warm the air. Breathlessness or dyspnea is not a nice thing to feel. 

During the extreme cold days I have done the chores by myself. Even I have a bit of trouble while hauling a sled full of hay up the where the two of the bulls are kept. It is a steep walk in the summer and the winter. Extremely hot humid air and extremely dry cold air are enemies of getting your breath.

Depression has set in. It is like having a huge Black Cloak hanging over his head. Most mornings I pour his coffee when he gets up and give him a kiss. The he sits and stares out the window. The difference now compared to a year ago is the blank look of nobody there when I glance at him. I ask what he is thinking and he blinks as if the sound of my voice brought him back from....what he describes as 'No Where'.
He visits No Where quite often these days.

And when we do converse he talks about how he is no longer of any use, he has no purpose. If he weather is good enough for him to venture out and help with the morning chores, he gets dressed and goes about the morning routine.

When we come back in, he sits and stares off into No Where. Eventually he says that he *is not worth a damn* and gets up. He walks to the bedroom and goes to bed asking me to wake him up when it is time to water the stock.

Tremors. I'm not sure what to think of them. His father had what was called "Essential Tremors".  Rich has had them for a long time but they were a problem. Now they are in a very severe way. He can't carry a coffee cup across the room without spilling a trail of coffee. He feels terrible about it.

As his COPD meds are increased, I see a direct increase in the tremors. I looked up the causes of ET and found that COPD meds contribute to it. What a mean thing. COPD requires certain meds which in turn can contribute to worsening of the ET.
NIH had articles relating to the fact the ET are familial. In other words, it can run in the family. Rich's father had ET, Rich's mother has ET. It affected his fathers voice, it affects his mother's voice. At the young age of 68, it is affecting most actions that Rich takes along with his voice at times now also.

COPD unto itself is an insidious disease that is not curable. The doctors tell you to stay active. Simple to do if you can breath. 
Rich does stay as active as he can.

But the viscious downward spiral of COPD, the results of the stroke, the tremors, and feeling lost all add to a fairly significant winter depression. 
He feels somewhat hopeless and helpless. 

His only escape is to go sleep. And sleeping most of the day and the night do not help any of his health issues.

I find it interesting that the doctors say: You are doing so well! You made such a miraculous recovery from all the things that have been thrown your way!

To this man, each fight he's gone through has taken away a part of what he wanted to be and defined himself to be.
One counselor asked him to consider the fact that this would be his new normal.

I understood where she was going. Accept this and move forward.

I may be the type of person who can do that. But he can't.

He has always been a 'fixer'. If there was something that should be fixed, he'd fix it. Replace brakes? Muffler? Build a new and improved dog house? Insulate a water tank? All these projects are partially started and now sit gathering dust. 

He can't fix himself. He feels if he could understand exactly what went wrong, he could fix it.

In the past two weeks he has had other slight incidents that lead me to believe that he may be having a TIA. It happened quickly and was gone. Poof. 

Before I get told to rush him to the ER. I have. The results have not been exactly stellar. 
To be fair, the local hospital did do a good job in making sure that he was transported to the nearest trauma center. But only on orders from the VA.

Is there an easy answer to all of this? No.
Of course not.