No Easy Answers

We've fought through throat cancer treatments and recovery. We seemed to do so well after that until the stroke came to strike out hard.

Well, the recovery physically from the stroke was amazing. Rich could walk, and move with no after effects. His speech had issues but most people can eventually get what he is trying to convey.

Then winter came on. Typically winter is his most difficult time anyway. Mentally it is draining because the weather is cold and the days are dreary. However COPD plays a huge factor in this too. 
Too cold? He can't breath outside. The cold air sends his bronchial tubes into spasms and it feels...well. No other word to describe it, like suffocation. Even with something over his mouth periodically to warm the air. Breathlessness or dyspnea is not a nice thing to feel. 

During the extreme cold days I have done the chores by myself. Even I have a bit of trouble while hauling a sled full of hay up the where the two of the bulls are kept. It is a steep walk in the summer and the winter. Extremely hot humid air and extremely dry cold air are enemies of getting your breath.

Depression has set in. It is like having a huge Black Cloak hanging over his head. Most mornings I pour his coffee when he gets up and give him a kiss. The he sits and stares out the window. The difference now compared to a year ago is the blank look of nobody there when I glance at him. I ask what he is thinking and he blinks as if the sound of my voice brought him back from....what he describes as 'No Where'.
He visits No Where quite often these days.

And when we do converse he talks about how he is no longer of any use, he has no purpose. If he weather is good enough for him to venture out and help with the morning chores, he gets dressed and goes about the morning routine.

When we come back in, he sits and stares off into No Where. Eventually he says that he *is not worth a damn* and gets up. He walks to the bedroom and goes to bed asking me to wake him up when it is time to water the stock.

Tremors. I'm not sure what to think of them. His father had what was called "Essential Tremors".  Rich has had them for a long time but they were a problem. Now they are in a very severe way. He can't carry a coffee cup across the room without spilling a trail of coffee. He feels terrible about it.

As his COPD meds are increased, I see a direct increase in the tremors. I looked up the causes of ET and found that COPD meds contribute to it. What a mean thing. COPD requires certain meds which in turn can contribute to worsening of the ET.
NIH had articles relating to the fact the ET are familial. In other words, it can run in the family. Rich's father had ET, Rich's mother has ET. It affected his fathers voice, it affects his mother's voice. At the young age of 68, it is affecting most actions that Rich takes along with his voice at times now also.

COPD unto itself is an insidious disease that is not curable. The doctors tell you to stay active. Simple to do if you can breath. 
Rich does stay as active as he can.

But the viscious downward spiral of COPD, the results of the stroke, the tremors, and feeling lost all add to a fairly significant winter depression. 
He feels somewhat hopeless and helpless. 

His only escape is to go sleep. And sleeping most of the day and the night do not help any of his health issues.

I find it interesting that the doctors say: You are doing so well! You made such a miraculous recovery from all the things that have been thrown your way!

To this man, each fight he's gone through has taken away a part of what he wanted to be and defined himself to be.
One counselor asked him to consider the fact that this would be his new normal.

I understood where she was going. Accept this and move forward.

I may be the type of person who can do that. But he can't.

He has always been a 'fixer'. If there was something that should be fixed, he'd fix it. Replace brakes? Muffler? Build a new and improved dog house? Insulate a water tank? All these projects are partially started and now sit gathering dust. 

He can't fix himself. He feels if he could understand exactly what went wrong, he could fix it.

In the past two weeks he has had other slight incidents that lead me to believe that he may be having a TIA. It happened quickly and was gone. Poof. 

Before I get told to rush him to the ER. I have. The results have not been exactly stellar. 
To be fair, the local hospital did do a good job in making sure that he was transported to the nearest trauma center. But only on orders from the VA.

Is there an easy answer to all of this? No.
Of course not. 

Finding Resources

ADRC, we are pretty lucky to have ADRC in our state. I'm not sure this organization is in all 50 states or not. However there is a very simple and helpful site on the internet called Eldercare Locator. Simply type in your zip code and a list pops up on the next screen with what is available in your area.

I had a very good meeting with Tricia from ADRC. Finding help or a support group for caregiver is daunting. When Rich had cancer the Madison VA offered a support group.... the drive would have been two hours one way for a caregiver's meeting and 'workshop'. Um.
Nope, that doesn't work.
Gunderson Lutheran in LaCrosse offers a once a month meeting for Stroke CareGivers. One hour drive.
Nope, that doesn't work.
The Tomah VA offers a once a month meeting for CareGivers to Veterans. Hour and a half travel time one way.
Nope, that doesn't work.


Tricia commented that they have a support group for CareGivers for Dementia and Alzheimer's patients. This may be a good fit as Rich has trouble with communication and memory too. I said I'd go. After all, meeting with other people who are going through similar situations can only be a plus for me. Besides that, it is 20 minutes from home and I get to see other people.

I know, that sounds awful doesn't it?
I've convinced Rich that we'd even try the Memory Cafe in February.

We quickly moved into other areas of concern. Tricia made a phone call to the VSO [Veterans Service Officer] downstairs and she came up. We went over some of the things offered by the VA.

My other concern was trying to get some assistance or help for my reluctant Mother in Law. She has declined in health and in her ability to do things for herself.
I'm having a tough enough time getting everything taken care of in my own place, let alone trying to take care of her and her place too. She has a once a month housekeeper. That is just not cutting it at all. Her little apartment was filled with trash on Christmas Eve along with mounds of dirty dishes. She just said she couldn't take the trash out and just didn't feel like picking up.

Anyway, there is a stipend that we can get through the VA to assist us in helping Mom. Interesting.
She could get help from the state and county if her assets were two thousand or less.
However, we can get some assistance through the VA because we are assisting Mom. Okay, it sounds weird, but it would allow me to hire a certified Home and Personal Care Helper ... well something like a once a week in home helper that could do light housekeeping, assist with running errands, shopping, and at some point personal hygiene. The average price for hiring someone like this is about $19 to $25 per hour. I cannot afford that for her on my own so this is an alternate choice.

It is cheaper to help an elderly person stay in their home and help them, than it is to transfer them to a care facility.
I know we had approached Mom to get in touch with ADRC more than once and she said no.
Now we have to tell her that WE will get her the help. I hope she takes it.
Yesterday I got called out of the blue with an urgent..."I need my pain prescription!" I ran to town and picked up the script and delivered it. I couldn't stay as I had to get back for evening chores and for Rich.

A quick glance around the apartment told me that she hadn't changed or made her bed in a long time. Her hair was matted and she basically looked pretty gnarly. She told me that her legs had swelled again so tight that she couldn't hardly get out of her chair.

We will be going to her apartment today or tomorrow and presenting her with the option of some help.
I can't knowingly let her live like this. Yet I can't watch over Rich and take care of her also...

Anyway.
I spent the next 2 hours with Cyrstal from the VSO office. We put some paperwork together for Rich filing also for Agent Orange. There will be no money for that, just getting his record updated to include his AO contamination.
Apparently the VA is accrediting COPD and lung issues along with a huge variety of cancers to AO. Good to have those on record now and not later.

The last bit of work I have to do is file to be Rich's official CareGiver. I will be taking a class through the VA but provided through the county office. This last filing if approved [lots of paperwork and a doctor visit] would assist us and 'pay' me to take care of Rich.
Are you ready for the huge amount?
Nearly $30 per week!

I will not complain. It may help out with groceries right? However the bigger bonus will be that I will qualify for respite care which I anticipate needing in the future. IF I don't take care of me, no one will take care of him.

So I am leaving anyone who reads this with a few thoughts.

Don't wait until it is too late if you have an elderly person in your life. See if you can sit them down and talk to them.
Do your research now.
Because ... tomorrow ... or in a few years, we will be that elderly person who will need these resources.