Sorting it out

Over all Rich's health physically since the knee surgery to remove the nasty patella bursa, he has regained mobility and some strength in that knee. We have been seeing PT twice to three times a week and it is obvious to me that he needs to be going back to Pulmonary Therapy.

I try to bribe him into moving about and doing things. But he is focused more on either sitting at the kitchen table and staring out the window [when I inquire as to what he is looking at he seems to come back into the present world and blink...his answer? "Nothing."]

Part of this is the damage done to his brain from the stroke in 2017.

One of the very hard things to separate out with all of Rich's past history of PTSD and MDD is the lack of motivation which was there pre stroke but is now much worse.
In fact the medical field studies Apathy and Hypersomnia. Both of these neurological issues can happen after a stroke in the front part of the brain. Let's toss in some other medical issues and the patient becomes very 'complicated' as the doctor who did the knee surgery said to us.

Is it depression? Is it PTSD? Is it neurological? Bradycardia? COPD? Is it the Pulmonary Emboli? Painful bursa? Is it imagined? Is it real? What is it?

Hypersomnia is just a fancy word for being tired all of the time. Rich had this during his last bought of severe depression. He keeps telling Dr. Schiffman that he wants to feel energetic and motivated yet he just feels tired and can't seem to get out and do anything.

Since I live with Rich daily, I see little bits and pieces that the doctors don't see.

Going to Culvers last week, I handed him an empty soda cup so he could get his Pepsi. I paid and then walked over to where he was at. He stood in front of the soda machine and held the cup.
"I should know this," he said. There were people waiting so I said, "Let me."
I took the cup and filled it and handed it to him.  He shook his head.

When we sat down to eat he mentioned the soda incident and told me that it really bothered him.

There are small things that happen and finally we got into a discussion one morning.
He said he was 'Dizzy'. He'd said that often to Dr. Schiffman and to his therapists who took B/P, 02 readings and came up with normal. It flummoxed most of the doctors.

So I asked Rich.
"Tell me about Dizzy. Is the room spinning?"
No.
"Do you feel like you are going to barf?"
No.
"Does it feel like you did when you had Brain Fog from chemotherapy?"
He glanced at me.
Yes! It feels like I am not connecting! I don't like it.
"Your brain suffered a pretty bad injury in 2017. So it has troubles on some days making sense of everything."
I don't like it.

I feel like I am watching a slow motion crash happening one very infinitesimal step at a time. However. At least I am here for that journey right now. I can be a part of it with him.


There will be days of heartache and frustration,
anger and resentment...

laughter and love
joy and sorrow.

One day at a time.