It used to be that you didn't dare use the word 'suck' in your writing as it would offend someone, somewhere. However our world has changed a bit now hasn't it?
I contacted ADRC which I said I would but only because things sort of came to a screeching 'whatchyamacallit' this week.
The cold weather has taken its toll on Rich. He has such a hard time with subzero temperatures. I've let him do what he could so far this winter. However since I knew things were going to get very cold, I moved the second batch of cattle into a larger area and we put out a bale feeder. Now they can all feed at their comfort and drink from one large heated stock tank.
Clap clap clap, hurray for me!
There are still 3 places to carry water to and if I do it with small buckets and make more than one trip, I can get it done by myself.
We got the house all spiffed up for the 'kids' to arrive. Arranged for mom in law to come over. We planned how we'd pull up right next to the one little step and lay out a non slip rug...we even discussed having 'spotters' for her.
I bought a cover for the couch instead of the old ugly looking thing I've used forever. It actually looks nice and Morris loves it.
Rich was having such a hard time with being outside I got up early and took care of all of the chores. I gave the hounds new bedding and heaped up the wonderful smelling pine shavings. They were grateful as could be.
I pried the fodder bales with a pitch fork and the cattle seemed to smile at me.
Then the phone call. The 'kids' couldn't come. When Rich hung up the phone it seemed as though his face had *transmorgified* yeah...not a word, but there you are. The light died out of his eyes and he announced that he was going to bed.
Later that day we talked.
Him: Why can't I do anything?
Me: What can't you do?
Him: I can't do chores, I can't breath, and... maybe...
I waited.
Him: Maybe I'm depressed. Why am I like this?
Me: [I clutched my hands together below the kitchen table] Well, throat cancer took its toll, the stroke has not been an easy thing to over come. You look good, you look fine, but...with what you have been through in the past two years? It has beaten the crap out of you.
Him: You are saying I'm [he stops, looking for a word as he often does...] having get to older.
Me: Well, I am getting older also. [I understand so much of what he wants to say, however it is often the same conversation each day now.]
Him: You aren't like that. You are going to getter.
Me ~ I stand up and hug him. His speech gets very garbled which indicates his frustrations and sadness. This is how he is now.
When he gets upset or down, he loses words and thoughts.
Me: I do love you.
Him: I'm going to nap.
Well I sit down and compose an email to our local ADRC [Aging Disabilities Resource Center]. I ask for help, I ask for some tools to deal with my husband.
I want to hug him, I want to yell at him. I want to hold him and I want to throw things.
I need to stay healthy and sane to help him.
I write a note to self. Call his doctor at the VA. Is it a bigger COPD issue? Mental health issue? Physical issue? How can I make his days more meaningful? How can I help him day to day and not lose my temper.
Perhaps Tricia can help. We will be meeting on the 3rd at 1PM.
I know I won't find the answers to everything, however I will be able to go in some sort of direction.
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