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So, after a short vacation for some free time which...WAS awesome and wonderful...and a weekend visit from a granddaughter, I was left with the Sunday afternoon blues.
I'd had a great weekend with my son, his wife, and Rory. Someone else saw to the meals and checked in with hubby. The animals had enough hay and water to cover them for the time I was gone.
For the 36 hours I was in Kenosha, I didn't worry about making sure someone took their pills on time, if he got to the bathroom on time, or what did I have to make for breakfast, lunch, supper. I had back up for that.
Then, this past weekend I'd been treated to a girls' day out by my granddaughter, good sensible conversations about books, dragons, life, and all that normal stuff.
These were things that made me feel alive and normal. I had human interaction and lots of laughter. I remembered what life was like 8 years ago. Before one medical issue after another happened.
I would be lying if I said that at this point I am pleased about always being the person in charge.
Granted, my husband is not difficult and he is rather pleasant. The man who used to fix things, get things done, and be fun and engaging is gone.
In his place is a man child of sorts. There are very few things he will or can do for himself.
Now he sits at the table and stares out the window. Sometimes he has something to say but most of the time he struggles with words so it is easier to be silent.
He refuses to wear his hearing aids, so conversations can be pretty bizarre especially when his aphasia perks up.
"Bagels are trying to get in the scrins with those flies. Better shut the door."
Translation: Bugs and flies are on the screens, shut window.
I feel guilty for being grumpy and irritable when he spills on himself and the floor.
He asks me several times a day what we are having for lunch or supper. I tell him over and over. Sometimes I just purse my lips and tell him to think about it.
And then I feel like crap because he can't recall what he was told.
On other subjects he seems sharp as a tack.
It makes day to day communication otherworldly.
The interesting part of all of this is...
Maybe the time off and fun visits make me realize what I am missing.
I am jealous of those who have freedom to travel and the freedom to have friendships and a social life. I'm tired of turning down all the invites to friend's houses for evening campfires and get togethers...and other events. It is tiring to explain over and over why I can't just pick up and go.
Then the invites stop. And there it is. The thing in my life. Really, some don't want to hear my struggles and I don't blame them. So I don't talk about it.
I know he is better off here at home than anywhere else. Yet once again I feel the discomfort of wishing things were not this way. Some days I'm just so tired of being the responsible adult.
