Severe cold and Depression Suck

It used to be that you didn't dare use the word 'suck' in your writing as it would offend someone, somewhere. However our world has changed a bit now hasn't it?

I contacted ADRC which I said I would but only because things sort of came to a screeching 'whatchyamacallit' this week.

The cold weather has taken its toll on Rich. He has such a hard time with subzero temperatures. I've let him do what he could so far this winter. However since I knew things were going to get very cold, I moved the second batch of cattle into a larger area and we put out a bale feeder. Now they can all feed at their comfort and drink from one large heated stock tank.
Clap clap clap, hurray for me!
There are still 3 places to carry water to and if I do it with small buckets and make more than one trip, I can get it done by myself.

We got the house all spiffed up for the 'kids' to arrive. Arranged for mom in law to come over. We planned how we'd pull up right next to the one little step and lay out a non slip rug...we even discussed having 'spotters' for her.
I bought a cover for the couch instead of the old ugly looking thing I've used forever. It actually looks nice and Morris loves it.

Rich was having such a hard time with being outside I got up early and took care of all of the chores. I gave the hounds new bedding and heaped up the wonderful smelling pine shavings. They were grateful as could be.
I pried the fodder bales with a pitch fork and the cattle seemed to smile at me.

Then the phone call. The 'kids' couldn't come. When Rich hung up the phone it seemed as though his face had *transmorgified* yeah...not a word, but there you are. The light died out of his eyes and he announced that he was going to bed.

Later that day we talked.
Him: Why can't I do anything?

Me: What can't you do?

Him: I can't do chores, I can't breath, and... maybe...
I waited.

Him: Maybe I'm depressed. Why am I like this?

Me: [I clutched my hands together below the kitchen table] Well, throat cancer took its toll, the stroke has not been an easy thing to over come. You look good, you look fine, but...with what you have been through in the past two years? It has beaten the crap out of you.

Him: You are saying I'm [he stops, looking for a word as he often does...] having get to older.

Me: Well, I am getting older also. [I understand so much of what he wants to say, however it is often the same conversation each day now.]

Him: You aren't like that. You are going to getter.

Me ~ I stand up and hug him. His speech gets very garbled which indicates his frustrations and sadness. This is how he is now.
When he gets upset or down, he loses words and thoughts.

Me: I do love you.
Him: I'm going to nap.

Well I sit down and compose an email to our local ADRC [Aging Disabilities Resource Center]. I ask for help, I ask for some tools to deal with my husband.

I want to hug him, I want to yell at him. I want to hold him and I want to throw things.
I need to stay healthy and sane to help him.

I write a note to self. Call his doctor at the VA. Is it a bigger COPD issue? Mental health issue? Physical issue? How can I make his days more meaningful? How can I help him day to day and not lose my temper.

Perhaps Tricia can help. We will be meeting on the 3rd at 1PM.
I know I won't find the answers to everything, however I will be able to go in some sort of direction.

The End Game

Well here we are. The last entry in this blog was 8/16/16.
Rich had just completed one of his last check ups with the oncology department.

Let's jump forward to present date.
12/17/17.
On May 6th Rich had a stroke.
I wrote about it afterwards on May 12th.

I kept up with updating things and how I resigned from work 3 days after the stroke to stay home and assist with my husband's recovery.
He is an amazing man.

Cancer was big and scary. And it still hangs over our heads like the Sword of Damocles. Will it come back? Can it come back? Will we fight with it? Well, the answer to the last question is no. The other answers are unknown. Who knows what is in the future for us right?

I am now an unemployed caregiver. That is fine, everyone says how nice it is to be 'retired'. I'm not sure retired is the proper term at all.

Caregiver: A family member or paid help that looks after a sick or disabled child or elderly person.
Retired: Ceasing work. Having finished one's active working life.

I think unemployed caregiver is the proper term. Let's add. Farm help, chore person, house keeper, chief cook, and bottle washer. Appointment maker and so on.
Actually the whole process has been fairly good. Financially things are a bit tight, but all of our years of being frugal has paid off. We owe nothing on our vehicles and the only item left is the remodel loan.

I had felt that I'd be able to return to some sort of work by now. But that isn't happening.

Rich's COPD is not getting better. I don't know if it is related to the stroke or just the insidious disease marching down its timeline of destruction.
I know that sounds gloomy, but I am being pragmatic. It has always been the 'elephant' in the room. There is no cure and the end result is death.

So what is our next Long Road?

Our next long journey will be dealing with the after effects of the stroke, the continuing task of living with COPD and how we end up dealing with our lives until the end.

One thing we are not afraid of to discuss in our little house is death. It is there and it will be the end game for all of us.

So I will continue to write things here regarding how we deal with health issues and the end of life.