Active Listening...

 I think I will complain.

Or at least talk about it.

Are you a good listener? Can you sit quietly while someone tells you what is going on in their lives? Can you not pipe up with a story of your own to interject? 

Can you really tell when the other person really really...really just needs to get things off their chest?

Can you be an active listener?

It is hard, really quite hard in this day and age. I learned Active Listening or Mindful Listening or whatever the key word is today?

It is listening without interrupting. Listening with attention.

I learned to listen without adding anything to the conversation during the years I was a medical secretary/receptionist. Often a patient would tell me about their aches, their pains, their troubles, and often I'd hear things I'd never want to repeat. [Pre HIPPA] I was a captive audience  as they waited in our waiting room without anyone else around.

I learned about relationships, arguments, problems, and I gave them my full attention as I had nothing else I could do.

I learned to be a good listener. I didn't give an opinion but listened with empathy and knew that I was hearing a story/or version of events that they needed to tell me. I was the captive audience. 

I kept quiet and acknowledged what they said. Once I had a patient tell me that is WHY she came to our office. She knew she could talk to me and Doc and it didn't end up on the gossip lines. Mind you, this was way before Facebook and a lot of social media. I listened and learned, I learned to empathize with our patients [mostly Chiropractic patients -- many had some serious health issues and Doc John was so good with them].

One patient who was most interesting would tell me that he liked coming to see Doc because I was the first secretary that didn't judge him by his looks and clothes. Dang. The guy couldn't read, couldn't write, but if you let him chat...he had the coolest stories to tell. I didn't mind  that he was dressed in rags and often smelled because he didn't have real running water. His conversations were always interesting.

Why the heck am I telling you this?

Well I called my youngest son to give him an update on 'our' situation with Rich. I love my youngest boy even if I can say that he has not found his way to maturity by the age of 43. He is THE Drama Queen [should be all caps!]. 

As soon as I started the update he interrupted with stories of a friend of friend who had some medical issues [I'll spare you all the details]. He told me how Devastated he was by this friend of a friend who was dying. He told me how it effected him and how he was managing it.

He didn't quite get it. All I wanted was for him to listen for a few minutes. He interrupted our conversation several times to talk to someone else. He put me on speaker phone to say hello to whoever was walking past and then explained that he had a friend of someone's boss that he had to take care of  and....

We finally got around to my reason for the call. I stated that I'd like him to come and see Rich while Rich was still able to recognize people and interact with them.

To which he replied, "Well mom, you know I want to be by your side holding your hand ... who else would you want there aside from your favorite son??? ... to hold your hand and console you as...."

I nearly tossed my cellphone across the lawn.

Still. Still.
It was all about him and no one else. He could not hear what I was saying. He couldn't listen or even hear what I was saying. He had a vision of swooping in and ... and what? 

Saving the day?

Nah. I've been with 2 others while they were actively dying and it is a very personal thing. It isn't something you want to share with a group. Hell, I don't want anyone else around when I sit with my soulmate as he finds his way to another place.

I don't need someone with me at that moment. I need it to be just the two of us. 
Period.

Period.

Yet my son kept insisting that HE and HE alone had to be there. I sighed. The conversation did not go according  to how I thought it should.

Rich is a stepdad to my sons and didn't enter their lives until they were in their late teens.

He was sort of an influence in their lives as the kids saw that I was happy with the rascal of a Muleman who taught me to hunt and be a better mule 'whisper-er' or shouter [think Dammit Sunshine!]. He taught me to hunt, to ride better, to learn the language of equine that included donkeys, mules, and horses.

He taught me to become confident and independent.

What I seemed to hear from my youngest was that it was HE who wanted to grieve and to feel cheated that his stepdad was failing.

My oldest boy is more reserved and seems to understand what I need. He will listen on his weekly phone calls. He listens. Period. 

Active Listening is just listening. Be quiet and hear what the other person is saying.

That's all. 

It really is simple.

Listen to others. It just is the best thing to practice.